Welcoming Aging Parents Into the Home

Many years ago, my mother called her brothers and sisters together to tell them their mother could no longer live alone. One of them would have to take her in and care for her. The only alternative was to place her in a home for the aged.

What my mother’s family had been taught about their responsibilities to elders was grounded in the folklore of countless generations. It was simply understood that as our parents grew older and they could no longer care for themselves, the burden fell upon their children.

When my mother was called upon to deal with this problem, she still had echoes and understanding of an older civilization. Honoring thy father and mother was a solemn obligation. So were the pride and joy families felt when children grew up amid two and three generations of kinfolk. After people became old, their children learned to blend them into their households--not only because of their love and sense of duty but because they understood the value of a cohesive family unit. It was reassuring to know that one’s loved ones would not be forced to live out their older years in impersonal, institutional settings.

Most of these ideas and values no longer hold in our society. Older people who are fortunate enough to have money often are segregated into retirement communities. Others, too many others, live out their last years impoverished and alone. As the isolation of the aged becomes more widespread, feelings of shame and guilt are more difficult to uncover.

In some ways, this isolation of the elderly is functional in our “throw away” society. New positions open up for the young, and children are taught not to be too dependent on anyone else. In other ways, our declining family life and divorces can be traced, in some measure, to the callous ways we treat our older citizens. One advantage of living in households of more than one generation is the pressure it creates on young adults to honor their marriage vows. Another is the sense of community and continuity it creates in our lives: We can learn from the experiences of others and see and come to know some of the people who helped to make us the way we are. Living with the elderly, it is impossible not to see how the popular culture has changed, how some changes have enriched us while others have caused us to live in more diminished circumstances.

Maybe the most significant thing that we have lost is our sense of personal security and continuity. In the past, people were born and lived their lives among familiar faces and landmarks.

What I hope for is that we will not keep segregating the old in the name of convenience and economic necessity, that we will not continue to teach our children to be detached and independent from everyone around them, that we will not forsake our natural impulses in the pursuit of surface harmony and greed.

There is a great value in living among our kinfolk and watching children grow in their presence.