Hands-Off! Pregnancy Is a Touchy Time Anyway

Dear Vicki: I am very noticeably pregnant, and I’m starting to get very insecure and self-conscious--because I am tired of how many times a day my pregnant belly is touched. Even complete strangers seem unable to keep their hands to themselves. Help!

--HIBERNATING

Dear Hibernator: Hey, congratulations on your impending motherhood. Get ready for a love affair that could knock you over with a diaper wipe. Get ready, too, for at least two more decades of strangers barging into your reproductive life.

It starts innocently, albeit annoyingly, having your belly rubbed more than Buddha’s and fielding indiscreet questions about your intention to breast- or bottle-feed. But it doesn’t end there.

People you wouldn’t know from Dr. Spock will weigh in with opinions about how little or how much you are disciplining your child or whether you were wrong to give her hepatitis shots.

Then, as now, you will be tempted to run rather than look your assailant in the eye and say, “Get a life!” You, my naive little girlfriend, have a right to parade your pregnant belly all through town and not be touched unless you offer an invitation. Here’s how:

First, try a preemptive strike by folding your arms over your belly (it’s a natural posture at this time in your life anyway).

Second, avoid massaging your stretching belly, which you probably unconsciously do when bored or distracted (especially after a day of wearing pantyhose). It makes your mound look positively irresistible to passersby.

Third, early in each conversation with strangers, mention that you are still a little queasy. That should keep all but the most eager beavers respecting the invisible 3-foot barrier that should surround you.

If all else fails, hold your arm out and say something like, “I’m sorry, but if you touch my belly, I’m going to touch yours. Perhaps you’d like to reconsider?”

Allow me to share a secret of human nature with you--Mother Nature intended the world to protect our babies. She made them irresistible so that even if Mommy and Daddy collapse in exhaustion, some other well-meaning person will pick the baby up. So, in the bigger picture, it’s nice to know that the universe isn’t indifferent to your pregnancy but, rather, tickled to the tips of its toes.

One last thing, just between us girls: I was always afraid a stranger’s hand would feel my inside-out belly button protruding like the timer in a butterball turkey. It took two pregnancies and reassuring confessions from my girlfriend-moms before I was convinced that my “outtie” wasn’t an indication that I’d flunked pregnancy. If you suffer from the same delusion, just put a Band-Aid across your button and let the world pat away.

Trust me, there comes a time in a mother’s life when she’ll take any kind of massage she can get.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and new parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, SoCal Living, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.