Fitness Fiat: Look Natty, Not Tatty

Dear Fashion Police: I wish you would send some officers to patrol my gym.

Citations should really be issued to women who think that a black dance leotard with full underwear underneath can work as a swimsuit. Likewise for the men who wear those hibiscus-print swim trunks with dark socks on the track.

Of course, I’d love it if you would also cite the people who get into the fast lane of the lap pool wearing shower caps, glasses or toupees, but I suppose that’s not your jurisdiction.

--EXERCISING MY RIGHT

TO COMPLAIN

Dear Ex: Where do you work out, the 24-Hour Hell Sweatplex? Sounds pretty nasty, especially the ersatz swimsuits with the underwear. That’s a new one. But we’re never disappointed by the misguided ingenuity of the American people.

Gymwear has taken a complete nose dive since the ‘80s aerobics revolution, when leotards matched the sweatband which matched the shoelaces, everything was shiny, and leg warmers were de rigueur.

Now the preferred style is skanky tank tops and shorts so old the waistband elastic is gone. We realize that showing up in anything matching these days is uncool, but there has to be a happy medium.

So all you gym rats and rat-ettes, listen up: Make sure your clothes fit, and are clean, free of holes, rips and tears, and provide modest coverage. What do we mean by “modest”? Butts should not be hanging out of shorts, and women should not be falling out of their sports bras.

As for you fast-lane swimmers, get a legitimate swim cap (they’re only a few dollars), trade the glasses for goggles and lose the toupee before someone finds it floating by and tries to kill it.

Let’s go over some basic hygiene tips while we’ve got you: It’s helpful to have bathed within the last 24 hours. Brushing your teeth before you leave for the gym is essential. And remember that whatever you’ve imbibed is released in your sweat. Garlic, tobacco, alcohol--it all comes out, and when it does, it’s not too pretty.

And while this doesn’t technically fall under our jurisdiction, we’ll mention it anyway, since it’s one of our pet peeves: After you’ve finished sweating all over some piece of equipment, wipe it down. The maid is not going to do it for you.

Thank you. You may now resume your spinning class.

Write to Fashion Police, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A, CA 90053, fax to (213) 237-4888, or send e-mail to socalliving@latimes.com.