Gem of the Day: Columnist Finds Himself Gripped By Urge to Merge
Merger Mania Bureau: The rash of media mergers that most recently brought CBS and Viacom together is now spreading to syndicated newspaper columns. For instance, Dr. Joyce Brothers is merging with the Sunday crossword puzzle to become “Dr. 32 Across,” a column that will offer psychological advice in the form of obscure word clues.
Meanwhile, Off-Kilter is combining with Dear Abby to create “Off-Abby,” an advice column for the criminally insane. Here’s a sample of what to expect, pending FCC approval of the merger:
DEAR OFF-ABBY: My new next-door neighbors are from outer space. For the past two weeks, they’ve been shooting beams at my house. I don’t mean laser beams. I’m talking about support beams, 2-by-4s, etc. My daughter has been trapped under a ceiling beam for three days. What should I do? I don’t want to hurt my neighbors’ feelings.
--ALIENATED IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR ALIENATED: The extraterrestrials probably feel uncomfortable in their new surroundings. Why not stop by to introduce yourself and invite them over for tea?
*
DEAR OFF-ABBY: Am I just old-fashioned or is it no longer polite for a gentleman to offer a light when a woman pulls a cigarette from her purse?
--JANET IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR JANET: Get with it, Grandma! The proper etiquette in ‘the ‘90s is for the gentleman to persuade the FBI that the woman belongs to a dangerous religious cult so that agents will fire an incendiary tear-gas canister at her, conveniently igniting the cigarette.
*
CONFIDENTIAL TO DROWNING IN MICHIGAN: I know you are, but what am I?
*
Postage Due Bureau: Since our June report on U.S. Postal Service guidelines for mailing a hippo, readers have been wondering how to mail other large objects, such as the Empire State Building, Norway or Marlon Brando.
Unfortunately, postal regulations currently forbid sending buildings through the mail, probably because Americans think they get enough junk mail already without adding junk skyscrapers to the mix.
But the ban didn’t always exist.
In 1916, according to postal historian Meg Ausman, a merchant named W.H. Coltharp mailed an entire bank--in small packages--via parcel post from Salt Lake City to Vernal, Utah. Apparently, there was no road between the two cities, so Coltharp figured he could save on transportation costs by having mail carriers haul the building’s 80,000 bricks over the 427-mile route.
When Postmaster General Albert Burleson later heard about the stunt, he issued a decree outlawing such mailings, saying: “It is not the intent of the United States Postal Service that buildings should be shipped through the mail.”
*
Alarming Trends Watch: German lederhosen is now available with pockets for cellular phones.
*
Slam Dunk Bureau: The world’s largest basketball has been built in Indiana. Made of steel and fiberglass, it weighs 4,000 pounds and is 18 feet in diameter. The behemoth ball will be displayed inside the Indiana Pacers’ new arena.
(Editor’s note: The U.S. Postal Service does not recommend sending 4,000-pound basketballs through the mail.)
*
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Hero Frog Hops 5 Miles to Get Help for Trapped Schoolgirls!” (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Daily Titanic, Chicago Sun-Times, Wireless Flash News. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.