LAUGH LINES

It’s the Same All Over: In India, it’s illegal during election years to burn political candidates in effigy. “Actually, we have a similar rule in this country. From now until Election Day, it’s illegal to have an open flame within 100 yards of Al Gore.” (Steve Voldseth)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top 10 ways the world would be different if it were owned by MTV:

10. President opens State of Union by giving “shout out to Wu-Tang.”

9. Instead of the presidents, schoolkids must learn the lead singers of Van Halen.

8. Biggest complaint about the government: “It never shows videos anymore.”

7. George W. Bush refuses to answer whether he’s ever “gotten jiggy wit’ it.”

6. So long, Washington Monument; hello, Tommy Lee Monument.

5. “Great Depression” refers to period between Backstreet Boys albums.

4. New national anthem would contain samples of other countries’ national anthems.

3. Instead of death penalty, prisoners forced to watch Britney Spears videos in heavy rotation.

2. National health plan to treat males suffering from Limp Bizkit.

1. First Lady Marilyn Manson.

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