Hurricane Tests Mettle, and Sanity, of TV Anchormen

This is the NBC/CBS/ABC evening news. Our top story tonight: Hurricane Tom/Dick/Harry is heading toward the East Coast as millions evacuate. Reporting live from the scene of the storm, here is anchorman Tom/Dan/Peter:

“Good evening.

“As you can see behind me, waves up to 100 feet high are threatening to wipe this little community right off the map. Winds of more than 150 miles per hour are knocking down trees, buildings and human beings everywhere I look.

“We begin our coverage tonight with a question:

“WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

“I have a nice, safe office in New York. I do not need to be here in this hurricane. I could be behind my desk where I belong. Instead, I am standing here dripping wet, my hair all mussed, talking REALLY LOUD because I am not sure how many of you can hear me over this hurricane.

“It would be different if this were an earthquake. There is no warning with an earthquake. I would HAVE to do my report in an earthquake, if the earthquake hit my area while I was on the air and I was the only one on TV who could tell you what’s going on.

“But why did I have to fly all the way down here into a hurricane when we have dozens of reporters already HERE, reporting on the hurricane? All I am doing is standing here SHOUTING at you over all this wind and rain.

“We continue our coverage now with reporter Jane Doe. Jane?”

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“Tom/Dan/Peter, none of us has a clue what you are doing here in this hurricane. There is no need whatsoever for you to be standing here in your really expensive and stylish rain gear, getting drenched and shouting at our viewers, when you could be sitting in New York in your office, dressed in a really expensive and even more stylish suit.

“Meanwhile, the rest of us have been extremely busy interviewing the people of this storm-threatened community. Of course, since virtually everybody in this storm-threatened community has already evacuated, there is nobody here left to interview, except for those who were too stubborn or too stupid to evacuate.

“Back to you.”

“Thank you, Jane. We have pictures now of the hurricane, heading directly toward me and causing massive destruction right behind me.

“As you know, I could show you these very same pictures if I were sitting in New York in my office. I could just say: ‘Here are some pictures of that hurricane that our camera person took.’ There is really no point in my standing here.

“Nevertheless, you can see that the hurricane has just destroyed a pier 500 feet behind me, smashing it into toothpicks. You can also see the storm smashing six boats, three emergency vehicles and the minivan that I rode in here from the airport. I really, REALLY should be someplace else.

“An update now from reporter John Smith. John?”

“Tom/Dan/Peter, local authorities tell us that this entire 100-square-mile region has been evacuated of everyone of sound mind, and there is, quote, ‘no reason on Earth’ for anyone to be standing here in the middle of a violent storm, holding a live microphone. The chief of police referred to it as, and I also quote here, ‘not smart.’

“Meanwhile, emergency provisions are being made for what to do in case a 100-foot wave washes directly over a network TV anchorman, drowning him on live TV. If a mere reporter were to drown, an anchorman sitting nice and warm in his office in New York could continue the broadcast. However, if the anchorman himself drowns, the whole newscast is pretty much down the drain.

“Back to you.”

“Thank you, John. I am now in the center of the hurricane, watching as it blows away smaller reporters from smaller TV networks. I will REALLY HAVE TO SHOUT for the remainder of this broadcast. Excuse me for having to talk while the hood of my jacket slaps repeatedly against the side of my head.

“More on this story in a moment.

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“First, there is OTHER news to report tonight. I’m just sorry that I have to SHOUT it at you in this storm.

“President CLINTON spent the day in New ZEALAND, calling for a COMMITMENT to global warming. Or maybe it’s global warning. I can’t read my TelePrompTer in this rain.

“The Dow JONES average today was DOWN more than 108 . . . I think that’s an 8. My notes just blew right out of my hand.

“Well, that’s our news for tonight. I’ve just been told that this storm is heading north toward New York. I suppose this means so am I.”

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com