How to Help When a Mother’s Coping System Fails Her

Dear Vicki: I’m still seething over what I just witnessed at the mall near our house.

A little boy, who looked about 4 years old, was whining and refusing to walk along with his mother as she shopped. I saw them in and out of stores for about half an hour, and finally, right in front of me, the mom hauled off and slapped the boy right in the face and yelled that he’d better shape up or she’d hit him again.

I was so stunned, I just stood there and didn’t say or do anything. Neither did anyone else. Now I feel just sick and disappointed with myself. What should I have done?

--WITNESS TO

THE PERSECUTION

Dear Witness: Hearing this story makes me want to stalk the little boy’s mother and slap her myself. It’s always appalling to see a child hit by an adult, but a slap in the face or head is particularly heinous.

I’m not going to tell you that in nearly 12 years of parenting I haven’t had moments when I wanted to bowl one or another of my own darling kids all the way down the mall. I swear there is something piped into the air of those enclosed emporiums that makes mothers short-fused and causes kids to relentlessly search for more toys and more junk food.

I don’t discipline my own kids with hitting or spanking, but even those parents who believe in the practice (and I don’t judge their choice here) should be outraged by anything beyond a swat on the behind.

Clearly, this mother was beyond trying to teach her son a lesson--she was freaking out and he happened to be the puppy she chose to kick. Who knows whether she regularly hit or whether she was responding to a uniquely horrible day in her life?

What could you have done?

Well, if you start with the premise that the woman isn’t a child beater but, rather, someone whose coping mechanism has evaporated, your first move shouldn’t be screaming or humiliating her. Instead, you might try saying something like, “Isn’t shopping with kids impossible? Sometimes it’s easier to just go home and try the shopping another time.”

This conversation is just filler--breathing space. Chances are, the woman would have composed herself and sheepishly told you she was fine, thanks. Still, you would have given her a moment to calm down and get a grip.

If the mother seems willing to talk to you at all, you might mention that there are groups that support moms and that teach coping skills. Remind her that she’s not alone in this big job of parenting.

I know that some mothers are habitually violent with their kids, and I certainly don’t want to bury my head in the sand. With that in mind, I suggest that you try to take a pulse when you offer your nonjudgmental assistance. If she gives you an answer that suggests she is still angry, potentially violent or out of control, and you can’t calm her down, go right to the nearest phone and call the police.

She’ll be so upset that she’ll put a hex on you and all your descendants, but who really cares?

The stakes are too high to stay uninvolved when a child’s safety is involved.

Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and new parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to Girlfriends, SoCal Living, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; or e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.