Don’t Let Feelings Toward Ex Put Damper on Son’s Party

Dear Vicki: My husband and I have been separated for almost two years, and our divorce was finally settled in November. We have a darling little boy who lives with me and spends at least two to three days a week with his dad (and his new girlfriend, but that’s another story).

Here’s my problem: Our son is turning 4 next month and he’s old enough to look forward to his birthday party and have all sorts of plans. I hate to admit it, but I’m actually dreading this happy day. Donny, our son, imagines a party with his daddy and mommy there, as well as several friends from preschool. A therapist I’ve seen a couple of times tells me that I’m only responsible for Donny’s party with mommy and that my ex is responsible for his own celebration.

I guess this makes sense because I don’t really want to spend two or three hours with my ex, but I hate to disappoint our son. Also, to tell the truth, I have my doubts about how much attention Donny’s dad will spend putting “his” party together.

Is this the way it’s going to be from now on--dueling birthday parties and neither one living up to our little boy’s expectations? What do you suggest?

--IT’S HIS PARTY AND I’LL

CRY IF I WANT TO

Dear Cry: I don’t have any experience as a divorced mom, but I do have vivid recollections about each and every birthday I had, once my parents divorced when I was 9, and I’ve spent a lot of time talking with my single-mom Girlfriends who share your predicament. One truth that emerges is the deep heartbreak that results when our dream of a “family forever” is destroyed. I can’t help but read between the lines of your letter.

For example, you referred to Donny as “our” son. Forgive my presumption, but that suggests to me that you still have some emotional investment in the former family of three that you lost. I’ve noticed that women who are more emotionally settled with their divorce refer to their kids as “my” son or “my” daughter. If I’m right in my intuition, then the fear that your son’s party won’t measure up to your own dreams is nearly as painful as your fear that Donny will be disappointed too.

I’m sure the new girlfriend doesn’t make matters any easier. The fantasy that mommy and daddy will eventually get back together is nearly universal in children of divorce, and the birthdays and holidays really shine a light on this longing. Still, with parents who continually demonstrate to the child that he will always be loved by both parents and that divorce between adults doesn’t equal divorce from the child, this longing can be bearable and even fade with time.

My single-mom friends are evenly divided between sucking it up and creating an armistice with their ex-husbands for the few hours devoted to the birthday party and knocking themselves out to throw a great party without dad, leaving dad on his own to celebrate in his private way.

Bottom line, what’s most important is that the child feel that both mommy and daddy recognize the monumental event that every child sees his birthday to be. As much as I recall wanting both my parents to be with me to celebrate my birthdays, I also clearly remember how much their tension about being in the same room for more than 10 minutes made everyone squirm.

I guess that’s a big consideration for you: How capable are you and your ex of overlooking the lingering bad feelings that usually surround divorce? If it’s just too upsetting for you, then you and Donny deserve a party that’s fun and free of tension. Don’t worry about what your ex does about his own party planning for Donny. You can’t control his relationship with his son anymore, and guess what? Donny will most likely be thrilled with anything his beloved daddy does for him. That’s just the nature of a kid’s adoration for his parents.

If you and your ex decide to celebrate the birthday together, I think you are completely within your rights to insist that he not bring his girlfriend to the party. For heaven’s sake, you may be a loving and generous mother, but you’re not in a coma! Besides, if this girlfriend turns out to be a serious relationship (as in, second wife), there will be infinite opportunities presented by birthdays, Thanksgivings, graduations and spring sings through which the four of you can “bond.” It just feels a little early to pop this woman on you or Donny at such a vulnerable time.

Whatever you do, avoid all temptation to spend too much time discussing your ambivalence or resentment about your birthday predicament with Donny. Sure, talking with him about any questions he may have about what to expect is great. But he’s only 4 and he deserves to believe that the grown-ups who love him and care for him share his unwavering enthusiasm about his momentous celebration.

Save your grown-up feelings for your Girlfriends, Girlfriend. And make sure that you invite enough of your trusted Girlfriends to support you and relieve you of some of the responsibility of being endlessly upbeat and to sing the birthday song without choking up.

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Vicki Iovine may be reached at vicki@girlfriendsguide.com.