LAUGH LINES

Market Madness: “What is going on with tech stocks on the Nasdaq? Investing in the market is scarier . . . than going to a Whitney Houston concert.” (Alex Kaseberg)

In the Dumps: “There’s a new book called, ‘How to Dump a Guy’ that tells you how to get rid of men. . . . I hear Hillary Clinton has already received 58 copies of the book from friends.” (Andrew Wisot)

Support System: Monica Lewinsky says she’d “vote for Hillary Clinton in the New York Senate race. Hillary not only has the women’s vote, she has the ‘other woman’s’ vote.” (Jay Leno)

*

The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs I, Dave,

Am Getting Old

9. “Last week one of the ’60 Minutes’ guys called me ‘gramps.’ ”

8. “Now up to three heart bypass surgeries a week.”

7. “I used to smell like Brut, now I smell like Ben Gay.”

5. “Can’t have dental work without permission from New York Historical Society.”

2. “I can remember when Bobby Brown was the embarrassing one in that marriage.”

1. “Didn’t I just read the No. 1?”

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.