LAUGH LINES

Sign Language: “After viewing the controversial videotape . . . Juan Miguel Gonzalez gave protesters the middle finger. Observers couldn’t believe that Mr. Gonzales has only been in the country [mere] days and already, he speaks our language fluently.” (Colin Quinn)

Caught on Tape: “Experts are saying it looks like [Elian Gonzalez] was coached on what to say [in the videotape]. They may have a point, because at the end of the video you hear Regis Philbin asking, ‘Is that your final answer?’ ” (Conan O’ Brien)

Happy Returns: “President Clinton is getting a refund on his taxes. This guy was cited for contempt of court . . . this guy lied to the American public. And I’m thinking, we should be getting a refund.” (David Letterman)

Change of Heart: “Cardiac surgeons are now performing a new procedure. . . . They cut out a section of a person’s heart to improve its ability to pump. So if you went into surgery with an enlarged heart, you come out with a very small heart. Basically, they change you from a Democrat to a Republican.” (Jay Leno)

The Driver’s Seat: “Prince William got his driver’s license after six months of driver’s education. It takes more training in England because everyone drives on the left side of the road . . . just like California.” (Argus Hamilton)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.