Elian Day: Let’s Make It Official
I want each and every one of you to call up your boss tomorrow and tell him or her that you’re very sorry, but you can’t come to work.
“You’re sick?” the boss will ask.
“No.”
“Kid sick?”
“No.”
“Death in the family?”
“No.”
“Birthday?”
“No.”
“Vacation?”
“No.”
“In-laws in town?”
“No.”
“I don’t understand, then,” your boss will probably say at this point. “Why can’t you come to work?”
That’s when you show the person who runs your business that you mean business.
“I’m just too upset,” you say, “about Elian Gonzalez.”
*
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me--that poor little boy! They snatched him right out of his house!”
“So?”
“SO???!!! Did you see how frightened he looked?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you see that man point that gun?”
“Yeah. And . . . ?”
“AND???!!! And poor little Elian, that’s what and.”
A long pause will probably follow on the other end of the phone.
“No,” your boss will probably say at this point. “What I mean is . . . and what does this have to do with you?”
Now get indignant.
“I care!”
“You care about what?”
“I care about Elian!”
“Are you related?”
“No.”
“You know the family?”
“No.”
“Then what does this have to do with your coming to work?”
“It has to do with all of us! Men! Women! Americans! North Americans! Western Hemispherians! Humankind!”
Tell it like it is.
“I don’t get it,” your boss will probably say at this point. “You want the day off because . . . ?”
“Because they took Elian!”
“Oh.”
“Because we must support him!”
“You must support Elian Gonzalez by not coming to work?”
“Yes! I am protesting!”
“Where did you ever get an idea like this?” your boss will almost certainly ask at this point.
Set this person straight, fast.
“Miami city workers held a one-day work stoppage in honor of Elian!” you say.
“They did?”
“Yes!”
“A 6-year-old kid gets taken out of a house, so the garbage workers get too upset to pick up the garbage?”
“Yes,” you say, “and California workers lined up outside the Federal Building and they didn’t go to work either, in honor of Elian!”
“They didn’t?”
“Yes,” you say, “and baseball players refused to play baseball for one day, in honor of Elian!”
“They did?”
“Yes!”
“A guy couldn’t swing a stick at a ball because he was too upset about Elian Gonzalez?”
“Yes!”
“A team sold tickets to a baseball game, but some of the guys on the team didn’t play ball because they were upset about a 6-year-old?”
“Exactly!”
Your boss might really be perplexed at this point.
“Am I to understand that if anything in the world happens to upset you, you might not come to work the next day?”
Stand your ground.
“That’s right,” you say.
“If you’re unhappy about something that happens to somebody else, you’re going to boycott your job?”
“You got it, boss,” you say.
“Let’s say that Woody Allen falls in love with Mia Farrow’s adopted daughter--you’d be calling in sick?”
“Wait a minute.”
“Or let’s say that Janet Reno’s people attack a shack in Waco --we shouldn’t be expecting you tomorrow morning?”
“It depends.”
“Kathie Lee is leaving Regis . . . would you like a couple of days to get over it?”
*
Now get angry.
“I have a right in America to protest the actions of my government!” you say.
“Right,” your boss will probably reply at this point. “Just as I as an American have a right to dock you a day’s pay or fire your butt for missing work.”
“But poor little Elian!”
“What about poor little Elian?”
“We must do something for poor little Elian!” you say.
Seeing how serious you are, I believe your boss will cave.
The boss will appreciate that some things in life are more important than work. The boss may have a business to run, but that’s no reason to expect you to do your job after a 6-year-old boy’s been snatched from an uncle. Why, there must be 6-year-old boys being snatched from uncles all over America! More of them need our support.
“OK, you win,” your boss will say at this point . . . trust me. “See you on Tuesday.”
Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com