Doctor’s Answer Inflamed Brett’s Sense of Humor

A Philadelphia doctor was meeting with George Brett and Kansas City trainer Mickey Cobb just before the 1980 World Series between the Royals and Phillies.

Tests had shown Brett had hemorrhoids.

“I said, ‘How do you get these things?’ ” Brett recounted to Jack Etkin of Denver’s Rocky Mountain News.

“He said, ‘There’s a lot of different ways you can get it. Have you been under any stress this year?’ Me and Mickey kind of looked at each other and started giggling.”

That was the season that Brett made his closely scrutinized run at .400, finally hitting .390.

“Then he asked about my diet, and I said, ‘Well, I’m 27 years old and single. What’s that tell you? I like Mexican food. I like margaritas and I like beer and cheeseburgers.’ ”

Brett established the formula: Stress, plus diet plus a .390 batting average equal being paid to endorse Preparation H.

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Trivia time: In 1967, the NHL doubled in size, taking in six new teams, among them the Kings. Which of those teams no longer exist?

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Air attack: To make certain Olympic sponsors have exclusivity, the Sydney Olympic Coordination Authority has gotten legislation passed to bar skywriting over the Games’ venues.

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Lighten up: Columnist Blackie Sherrod of the Dallas Morning News advises television analysts to slow down:

“Hey, the young man hits a ball with a stick and does it better than anybody around, perhaps anybody ever, but he didn’t come up with the Salk vaccine nor dive on a grenade at Guadalcanal. Take a cold shower, kids, and rub yourself down with perspective.”

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What’s in a name? Northwestern defensive end Conrad Emmerich’s nickname is Tic, short for Lunatic. It has to do with his intensity on the field. When the sports information department has each Wildcat complete the sentence, “Nobody knows that I . . . “ Emmerich filled in, “ . . . am an active WWF wrestler and soon-to-be governor of Minnesota.”

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Take this job and love it: Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun-Times points out that the University of Florida is the first school to pay its football coach, Steve Spurrier, and its basketball coach, Billy Donovan, more than $1 million a year apiece.

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Price is right: Saturday at Bristol Motor Speedway, Darren Mariska was working on Jeff Gordon’s Chevrolet early in the day when a wrench slipped, hit him in the mouth and broke a tooth.

A dentist was found three miles from the Tennessee facility, and he agreed to make a track call for three autographed Gordon caps.

According to Thatsracin.com, Dr. Paul Robinson took Mariska back to the office, performed a root canal and Mariska was back at the track in time to finish Gordon’s set-up and hold the gasoline catch can in the car’s pit. And, yes, Robinson got the caps.

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A doubleheader: A week ago, when New England owner Bob Kraft announced that CMGI would pay about $100 million for naming rights to the Patriots’ new stadium, the company’s stock jumped about $6 a share, about a $1.6-billion leap in the paper value of the technical company.

One of its largest stockholders, according to Will McDonough of the Boston Globe, is one Bob Kraft.

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Trivia answer: The Oakland Seals.

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And finally: After the Toronto Argonauts lost to the British Columbia Lions in CFL play a week ago, 51-4, Coach John Huard said, “My recommendation was to take the tapes and just burn them and throw them away and start off fresh with someone else and go from there.”

The he began the process by resigning.