When Grieving at Holidays, Try to Focus on Simple Joys

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one this holiday season? Is someone in your family sick or in a nursing home? Are you no longer able to do your traditional seasonal activities? Experts say individuals experiencing such losses often face the holidays with tidings of dread and anxiety rather than comfort and joy.

But it’s possible to cope with these feelings. First off, don’t expect a Kodak, picture-perfect holiday in spite of the losses in your life. Chances are that’s not going to happen, said Julian Ford, a clinical psychologist on the faculty of the department of psychiatry at the University of Connecticut Health Center in Farmington.

“Look at your holiday expectations in a realistic manner. Otherwise, you simply set yourself up for disappointment,” Ford said. “If a spouse or close friend has died, if your family is far away, or your circumstances have changed significantly, acknowledge that things are just not going to be the same. Give yourself permission to experience the grief that is a natural part of loss.”

Next, remember that even if everyone around you is in high spirits and you’re not, don’t think you are alone, and don’t try to hide your feelings. Even that perfect television family, the Waltons, Ford notes, had to maintain a cheerful front only for an hour.

“For many of us, memories of past holidays are painful,” Ford said. “Accept holiday blues when they come. Trying to ignore them can just make things worse. Instead, use the time to reflect on your life and your memories, the good times and the difficult, with the wisdom and perspective age brings.”

Accepting and acknowledging loss doesn’t mean dwelling on it. Remember that depression feeds on isolation. Plan to spend time and do special things with others, whether it’s family, friends or even a beloved pet.

“The holidays are about sharing love and faith with others,” Ford said. “When the old traditions don’t work, find ways to adapt them or create new ones. When family isn’t around, get together with friends or neighbors.”