Tradition and the Modern Wedding

As a certified secular humanistic Jewish leader (madrikh in Hebrew, vegvayzer in Yiddish), I found your article (“ ‘I Do’ It My Way,” Jan. 28) to be reflective of both my experience and approach to intercultural couples. I agree, especially and most emphatically, with your proper use of the term “intercultural” in place of the inadequate (and shopworn) terms, “interfaith” and “mixed” marriage.

Most of the weddings at which I officiate are intercultural, involving a Jewish man or woman marrying someone of another cultural heritage. If the couple wishes, the major features of a Jewish wedding (chuppah [bridal canopy], wine, glass-breaking) are included in the ceremony--but I also insist that the non-Jewish partner find some aspect of his or her culture to incorporate and celebrate.

This has involved assigning the couple to find equivalents for the Hebrew/Yiddish mazel tov! in Cantonese, (Caucasian) Georgian, Spanish and Gaelic. One bride from an old-time Appalachian family of very mixed backgrounds settled on “Yahoo!” to be shouted by the guests as both she and the groom smashed the traditional wine glass underfoot. Poems and love songs from the non-Jewish culture are often woven into the ceremony, along with verses from the Hebrew Bible’s “Song of Songs.”

--HERSHL HARTMAN

Educational director

The Sholem Community

Los Angeles

I enjoyed very much the article regarding weddings.

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Having entered into the state of matrimonial bliss in November, it is interesting to read about what else is going on.

One comment on wedding-party titles. My bride had her brother on her side during the ceremony. We referred to him as the “bridesman,” which we feel to be the correct title. However, we are unsure about a woman on the groom’s side being referred to as a “groomsmaid.”

--GREGORY McGINITY

Playa del Rey

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I have to chuckle when self-styled gurus like Colin Cowie announce that every old wedding tradition must be jettisoned in favor of the “modern and hip,” whatever that means. True, some old practices deserved to die (e.g., checking up on the bride’s virginity), and many new practices are sensible and overdue, such as taking care to honor different family cultures. But some traditions make sense too. I can’t imagine why Mr. Cowie is advising brides to dispense with the receiving line, for example, unless he has devised a better way of allowing each of several hundred reception guests to wish the bride and groom well.

And by the way, if modern weddings have become the norm, doesn’t that mean that a traditional, old-fashioned wedding would be excitingly different and cutting-edge? Just wondering.

--BONNIE SLOANE

Los Angeles

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I noticed there have been an abundance of articles recently on weddings and marriage, which has dismayed me, conjuring up unpleasant thoughts of my former marriage. Philosopher Bertrand Russell once wrote that he’d rather be “Red than dead.” Well, considering my disastrous marriage, I think I’d rather be “dead than wed.”

--KENNETH L. ZIMMERMAN

Huntington Beach