When Littlest Ones Get Shorted on Quality Time
Dear Vicki: I have five kids between the ages of 4 and 13, two boys and three girls. When I had my first baby, my universe revolved around her. All my friends had kids close in age, and we devoted nearly every day to an activity for them, whether it was Mommy and Me classes or taking in a Disney movie matinee or just spending a couple of hours pushing the kids on the swings in the local park.
By the time my second came along, when the first was 2, she didn’t get quite as much individual attention, but I was still pretty good about finding things to do that were fun and educational for both kids.
Yesterday, however, I noticed that there’s a new ice show of “The Little Mermaid” coming to town, and it occurred to me that I haven’t taken my two youngest kids to a circus or a petting zoo or anything like that since they were born. It seems like the bigger kids call all the shots around here and the little ones just have to fit in or stay home. I feel terrible about how much less quality time they get, and even worse that I didn’t even realize it till now. Is it too late for me to make it up to them?
--GREASING ONLY THE SQUEAKY WHEELS
Dear Greasing: Talk to me, Girlfriend! When my firstborn was my only born, I knew the name and color of each Power Ranger, the lyrics to every Raffi song and the release dates of each animated Disney Classic video. Now I can only recall one of the names of the Teletubbies, I haven’t seen “Sesame Street” in half a decade, and the only baby dolls I buy are those that are somehow related to Barbie--that is, in the same shopping aisle of the toy store. And, like you, I feel kind of bad about it.
Here’s my explanation; in any family of more than one child, all children’s ages are averaged, with two years added to the age to reflect the power of the older kids, and they all are treated as if they are that average age. For example, in your family, your kids are probably all about 9. That means that the older ones have to listen to the soundtrack from “Annie” on the way to school and the younger ones know Barney only from seeing him on play dates to houses where the oldest kid is still a toddler.
It’s not just the entertainment that is different, so is their social sophistication and savvy. My oldest son only recently started placing his own phone calls, but my youngest daughter has been speed-dialing and arranging her own play dates since she was 4. My firstborn, until the age of 8, was tucked into bed by 8 p.m., but my youngest has been wandering around the house until exhaustion catches up with her and she peels off (often unnoticed) from the crowd to retreat to her bed. Her language is more slangy, she knows the lyrics to dubious songs and she doesn’t believe that saying “shut up” to someone results in one’s lips shriveling up and falling off his or her face.
It’s not just that the older kids’ activities seem more exotic to the little ones--they seem more exotic to me, too. Truthfully, how many times can you get all worked up over seeing Imax or watching the Rockettes dress up like toy soldiers and fall down in domino fashion? And between you and me, if I never see a pinata again, it will be too soon.
It should be no surprise that I want to reassure you that you’ve done nothing wrong because it would be a great load off my own shoulders. But here’s where I really stand on the issue: Birth order is a powerful force in children’s lives, and Mother Nature never intended for every child to be raised the same in a family. If truth be told, those of us moms who wrapped our entire lives around our firstborns may have nearly blinded the poor little things with the white-hot light of our attention.
Still, I suspect that we are doing a disservice to our younger kids and ourselves by not singling them out as often as possible to do things that children their age want to do. Because of their older siblings’ influence, they may not yet know the joys of visiting the pumpkin patch or going on the kiddie rides at the pier--but that doesn’t mean they won’t love it. Guess what? You’ll love it, too. There’s nothing better in life than rediscovering the simple pleasures through the noncynical eyes of your children.
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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide” and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.