Anguish of Baseless Abuse Accusation Shouldn’t Be Kept a Family Secret

Dear Vicki: This is so humiliating that I can only write about it anonymously. I wouldn’t even mention it to another living person, except it was such an awful experience for me and my family that I’m hoping I can warn someone else.

Several months ago, while I was at work and my husband was looking after our two very active boys, ages 3 and 1, our youngest unhooked his high-chair safety belt and climbed out. Since my husband had left the kitchen to answer the doorbell, he didn’t see what happened, but he returned to find the high chair tipped over and our son crying on the floor.

After four hours in the emergency room of our community hospital, we were told that Jack had a broken arm. It was a simple hairline fracture. Seven months later, again on my husband’s watch, our little daredevil ran down the hall in his stocking feet and took a header. Back we went to emergency room, and, yes, the same arm was broken--in another place.

After the doctor put a cast on it and gave us a prescription, in walked the police and several other people. For the first five minutes, I didn’t know anything was wrong, but then I realized we were being investigated for child abuse. We were found innocent of all allegations, but it was the most horrifying thing that’s ever happened to us.

Even though we know we are innocent, we still feel like criminals. Our older son was with us in the emergency room, and he still asks why the police came.

Have you ever heard of this happening before?

--WRONGFULLY ACCUSED

Dear Accused: I wish I had money for the number of times I’ve heard this story.

I know perfectly terrific parents who’ve had their house staked out by social workers, and had their tiny babies examined for suspected sexual abuse and X-rayed more than the survivors of an atom-bomb attack.

Like you, these people were cleared of all charges--in fact, one child was found to have a growth disorder that made her bones particularly fragile--but still they felt invaded and wrongly judged.

Let me say right here that I don’t condemn the actions of the police, doctors or social workers because we all know how many kids really are abused or neglected by their caregivers. And, as painful as it is to all concerned, I’d rather see error on the side of caring too much than too little. Still, with all this growing awareness of children’s rights, many good-intentioned people get caught in the net.

While your emergency room episode was traumatic for all four of you, I suspect that you and your husband took the hardest blows. Every parent worth his or her salt is filled with guilt when their child gets injured, whether they were in the same state at the time or not. Add to that the doctor’s suspicion and you have a sure-fire cocktail for parental feelings of failure.

By the way, all doctors who notice certain kinds of injuries occurring under similar circumstances are legally obligated to report it to social services.

Rather than keep this a family secret, I suggest that you and your mate consider sharing your awful experience with close and trusted friends. If you don’t think any of your friends or family can be absolutely trusted, ask your sympathetic pediatrician if he or she knows of a support group for this situation.

These crises are often too big to be handled between the two of you. Bring in a trustworthy ally and share the pain. This is too great to shoulder alone.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.