How to Address Topic of a Deceased Child

I would like to send my appreciation to Sandy Banks regarding her article on Father’s Day, “When to Tell Others About Their Dad’s Death and When to Hold Back,” (June 18). The difference being the question always asked of us is, “How many children do you have?”

On Dec. 10, 1998, the most horrendous thing happened to us. A fate I would never wish upon another. Our 3-year-old son, Adam, died. Bringing a child into the world is the natural order, spreading his ashes across the ocean is not. Mothers, somewhat unfairly, receive a disproportionate amount of sorrow and grief for the loss of a child. And the father is admired for being strong (undoubtedly one of the most inane “compliments” one can receive following a child’s death). I have held my husband countless nights as he cried himself to sleep. I have seen him destroyed upon the sight of another child resembling ours.

Whenever we hear the question, “How many children do you have?” I still have to pause and think quickly to myself: Should I honor the memory of my child and answer “three,” then go on to explain one of the three literally lies across the ocean or should I just answer “two” and spare myself the pain and the shocked look on the other person’s face as I mention our baby is dead? Of all the responses I receive, the most painful to me is, “I can’t imagine.” Well neither can I and I hope you never have to.

--ELIZABETH KAMURAN

Fountain Valley