To Grandma’s House She Should Go
Dear Vicki: I need advice regarding my husband’s family. It is pretty much all we argue about. Everything was fine until we had children. His mother never wants to visit, even though she lives an hour away. She only wants to baby-sit. My kids are 2 years old and 6 months old, and I am not ready to send them off. I have become very resentful, and I swear the rest of the family dislikes me. I have offered that she come to our home so we could go on a date, but she has never taken my offer up. Am I being too selfish? I feel I deserve more respect--my husband doesn’t want to get involved (he spoke to her once about the problem.) The arguments are getting worse. Any suggestions?
--PROTECTIVE MOTHER HEN
Dear Mother Hen: If relationships between wives and mothers-in-law were generally smooth and groovy, the world would be short at least 2,000 Henny Youngman jokes. Since my own mother-in-law is visiting right now, I will tread this thin ice very, very carefully. But let me say one thing: I don’t think she and I truly adored each other until I had kids and we recognized in each other a common love for our babies. The fact that you’re getting this reluctance even after the birth of your kids is much harder to fathom.
It might sound like Grandma is turning her nose up at your generous offers to have her visit, but there’s a strong possibility that you’re way off base here. Many older parents are creatures of habit. Think about it: They haven’t had to arrange their lives around kids’ feeding schedules, soccer tournaments and Indian Princess meetings for many years now.
Also, seniors often have difficulty sleeping even under the best of circumstances and might worry that they’ll never be able to adjust to your fold-out sofa. Plus, they may need to eat certain things and take medications at certain hours, and all that can be problematic for a house guest.
My own treasured mother-in-law is phobic about interfering in our marriage. She so sincerely wants us to nurture our romance that she’s constantly trying to get us to go away while she baby-sits--not because she thinks I’m a bad mother, but because as a woman who has lost her life companion, she knows how precious those moments really are. It makes me cry to write that. . . .
My own dear daddy, who has since passed, worshiped my four kids (thank heavens, he had time to know them all before we lost him), but he was always uncomfortable at my house. He would drive three hours straight, beginning as early as dawn, to come see us, but by noon he was ready for his book and a nap in his bed. You know, there’s something to be said for the simple comforts.
The most important advice I can offer is to stop arguing with your husband about his mother’s imagined slights. First, it’s really against the rules to dis each other’s parents. And second, you’re asking him to possibly hurt his mother when her intentions aren’t as insensitive as they may feel.
I suggest you take some special time to talk to Grandma and tell her that you feel she doesn’t approve of the house you’ve provided for your family and it hurts your deeply. I’m willing to bet she’ll be stunned by this disclosure. Most likely, she is thanking God every day for the family you have created around her son.
Let her know that you don’t think the baby is old enough yet to be left, even with a loving grandma. Or, more honestly, that you and your mate aren’t yet ready to be away from the baby yet. She’s a mom too, and I’ll bet she’ll understand.
Have you considered lugging the porta-cribs and strollers--and let’s not forget the kids--to Grandma’s house for the kids’ sake? When you get right down to it, all you really care about is that your children are receiving as much love as the universe can offer, and a grandma represents a huge hunk of that.
Maybe if you all get to know each other on her turf, she’ll relax enough to consider coming to visit you. You know how irresistible babies are: Once you get a whiff of one, you’re willing to follow it to the ends of the Earth. Keep trying, if only for your husband’s and children’s sake. I think you’ll be happy you put your pride aside.
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Vicki Iovine may be reached at vicki@girlfriendsguide.com.