LAUGH LINES
Calling It Quits: “Some sad news. . . . Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco are getting a divorce. . . . Now that it appears that her marriage to a lying, cheating adulterer is over, Mary Jo said that she would take the next logical step . . . run for Senate in New York.” (Jay Leno)
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The Essential David Letterman
Top Signs Regis Is Getting Nervous
10. His new clothing line features sweat stains under each sleeve.
9. He yells at slow contestants: “Hurry up, Einstein. . . . People are reaching for their clickers.”
8. During commercial breaks, he’s desperately checking the want ads.
7. Every time he hears the word “survivor,” he snaps, weeping, into fetal position.
5. All cooking demonstrations involve rat meat.
4. On the morning show, swills gin like it’s ginger ale.
3. Instead of “Final answer?” he now asks contestants, “Seriously, do you think they’re gonna cancel us?”
2. To pass $1,000 mark, players must eat handful of grubs.
1. Believe it or not, he’s been kind of jittery lately.
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