Tailoring Big Dreams to Her Small Condo
I came into some extra money last year and decided to invest it in my 872-square-foot Los Feliz condominium. My mission: to choose improvements that would best meet my needs on a budget of $5,000 or less.
I fancied a billiard room but thought it might be inconvenient to move the table every time I wanted to take a shower. Besides, it’s awkward trying to shoot a corner pocket while kneeling in a sink.
I considered those marvelous plantation shutters. I saw myself with a new flame, wickedly flinging open the louvered doors and performing an impromptu Colombian dance on the terrace. But I’d have to dance the refrigerator out to the common hallway before opening anything. The wretched timing would ruin the chic look I was aiming for.
I sought improvements that said, “I’m happening, I’m spirited, I’m making a Bacardi cocktail, I’m yours.”
The nicest feature of my house is the pine and spruce tree view. To capitalize on the forest feeling, I decided to add mirrored interior walls and mirrored closet doors.
The least appealing feature was the yellowed, cracked linoleum in the bathroom and kitchen. I replaced these, and my patio floor, with Italian ceramic tile. Together, the improvements cost $4,400.
Having recently survived the remodeling experience, I’ve prepared this list to help unmask some commonly accepted myths.
1. Always use relatives and people you know.
I knew Bill from the complex Christmas party. We had shared intimate moments over the brie. Apparently, our karaoke duet of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” was a neighborhood smash. A warning letter from the condo board mentioned something about a disturbance. No matter. Bill had a flooring showroom. I’d go see him for an excellent deal.
As I entered his business, I smiled confidently, thinking of the warm, personal service I would receive. I approached him with outstretched arms.
His hazel eyes sparked recognition, then terror. Before I could apologize for having sent him and the buffet table flying into the holly-decked pool, he was gone.
As I explained to the security guard who ushered me out, I hadn’t realized Bill had been dead set on singing the Kiki Dee part.
2. Let your personality shine through your unique design ideas.
Although reassembling a full-scale locomotive engine in your living room would really define your inner child, forget about it.
What was I thinking when I affixed the Los Van Van backstage passes in an artful collage directly to the oak paneling in my dining area?
3. The professionals you hire will be neat.
The newly selected tile master dragged tons of material to my second-floor balcony. The 50-pound mortar bags, mixers, cutters and tools resembled a stage set from “The Road Warrior.” Visitors to Griffith Park peered up in hopes of sighting Mel Gibson.
4. The craftspeople will work quickly and on schedule.
Needless to say, after dropping off the materials, making it difficult but not impossible for me to barbecue on my patio, the tile-setting crew disappeared for several weeks. My guests raved endlessly about the grout-flavored burgers from the grill.
You must never express affection to the craftspeople. They will become coy. They will lose interest. They will not commit to a start date.
If you wish to get them going, plan an enormous party, as I did. They will arrive on the afternoon of your gathering, wanting to rip up your kitchen floor.
If you are not home, they will probably rip up the floor as kind of a surprise. You and your friends can take turns weaving through festive ceramic land mines while balancing hors d’oeuvres on minuscule party plates.
5. You will save a lot of money by doing the work yourself.
Unless you’re as physically perfect as the models in the same magazines that implore you to do it yourself, don’t do it.
I purchased mirror squares with the self-stick backs. Upon their installation, the ambience did not speak of opulence, as I had hoped. It said fun house. Do you know how long it takes to remove industrial adhesive from drywall?
6. After enduring some mishaps, your improvements will be done. You will finally be finished.
Condo owners, who have chosen jewel-box-sized homes, compensate with an irresistible desire to overdecorate. We can’t help ourselves. We need to adorn our meager square footage with yards of marble and expanses of granite. If pressed, we will also want to install adorable breakfast bars and oak-topped butcher-block islands.
As you dream of your future home improvements, I, too, am dreaming of marble steam showers and parqueted entries. We are never finished.
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Darcy Diamond is a freelance writer and a second-grade teacher in the inner city. She is at work on her first mystery, featuring a globe-trotting food critic.
