They’re Being Paid $4.5 Million Per Episode. . .I Could’ve Gotten’ Em Wholesale!

The major television networks faced tough choices before announcing their revised prime-time lineups last week, with NBC challenged by the most vexing dilemma of all.

Already knocked out of its first-place perch by ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” the network risked losing TV’s top-rated comedy, “Friends,” with the six cast members--as almost everyone who isn’t Amish has heard by now--jointly demanding $1 million an episode each.

NBC and Warner Bros. Television, which produces the show, ultimately agreed to a package estimated to be worth at least $44 million apiece to the actors over the next two years, or about $920,000 an episode. The total includes $750,000 in base salary--which translates into $4.5 million a week for the actors before the “Applause” sign gets lit--plus a higher percentage of profits from syndication.

Now, no one’s asking, but had I been in charge, here’s how I would have handled those negotiations.

First, I would call “Friends” producers Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane:

“How you guys doing? Forget that, I know what you’ve made off the show. So look, you can still be funny even if Matt, Courteney, etc., aren’t saying the lines, right? You can come up with funny situations about single people living in New York? No more ‘Veronica’s Closets’ to get out of your system? OK, just checking. I’ll be in touch real soon.”

A few minutes later, I would have placed the following call: “Hello? Matt LeBlanc’s agent, please. Hi. We’re willing to pay Matt $250,000 an episode for next season, which comes to $6 million, and $300,000 the following year. He will never see that kind of money doing anything else. Don’t bother arguing. I saw ‘Ed.’ You have 15 minutes.” Click.

David Schwimmer’s agent would receive the exact same message, only substituting his box-office flops “The Pallbearer” and “Kissing a Fool” for “Ed.”

My next call would be to the manager of Courteney Cox Arquette and Jennifer Aniston. I would have offered them each $400,000 an episode. He would have said no.

The conversation would have then gone like this: “OK, swell. That figure is on the table until 10 a.m. tomorrow. If not, tell Courteney to have a swell time making ‘Scream 6,’ or whatever the hell they’re up to. Let’s put it this way: I know what your clients won’t be doing this summer, and that’s making money anywhere near the level I’m discussing.

“Don’t threaten to take your other talent elsewhere, either, because you need us more than we need your agency. Last time I checked, no one’s getting rich putting clients on Pax TV or FX.”

After that, I would call representatives for Matthew Perry and Lisa Kudrow, offering whoever agrees to come back first $600,000 an episode. The second one would get $500,000, unless they publicly complain about it, in which case the amount drops to $450,000.

I’d grab some coffee, then stroll down the hall to head of casting’s office.

“We may have a small problem. We’re going to lose a couple of cast members from ‘Friends.’ So what we need are some really promising, funny, great-looking young actors willing to work for somewhere between $1 million and $5 million a year, depending on how big a name it is. Think there’s anyone like that out there? Yeah, I thought so too. And let’s look at people of color. The show’s set in New York City, not Zurich.”

I’d meander back to my office and call Bright, Kauffman and Crane again.

“OK, so here’s where we are: Looks like we’re going to lose a couple of the cast members, which will be great. We can add new characters and breathe some life into the show and change the dynamics a little.

“You’ve seen ‘Law & Order’ and ‘ER,’ right? They change actors all the time and the shows are like the Energizer Bunny--just keep going and going. I know sitcoms are different, but worst-case scenario, remember how ‘Cheers’ substituted Woody for Coach? This is an ensemble, so no one is irreplaceable, and despite this ‘All for one, one for all’ nonsense, we’re going to end up with no less than half the original cast, probably two-thirds.

“So have a brainstorming session and see what you come up with. Throw out dream actors you’d like to add, but be open to finding fresh new faces. It’s not like any of the existing cast were household names before the show premiered.”

The last call would be down to the publicity department. (A good rule of thumb: On anything really important, the last call is always to the PR department. This is because most executives have absolutely no understanding of what the PR department does.)

“Hi. You may want to cancel any lunch plans you have, because we’re going to get some calls shortly about playing hardball with the ‘Friends’ cast. In fact, my guess is their agents are on the phone with the trades right now, assuming they didn’t call their therapists first.

“In any event, please prepare a statement that we can release to the press saying, in essence, the following: ‘We have offered the “Friends” cast enough money to feed the population of a small country. If they consider that unacceptable, we are willing to find replacements.

“ ‘Most shows fail, and the television business--with the audience splintering thanks to all the channels out there--must establish some controls over what we pay people in success. We hope our viewers understand that in real life, you sometimes have to make new “Friends.” We look forward to an exciting new season of the show in the fall.’ ”

I would then buzz my corporate boss in New York and say I was taking a bit of risk, but “Friends” would be back for two more seasons and I would save the companies involved roughly $150 million on salaries. The ratings might drop somewhat, but odds are they would for a show in its seventh year anyway. As for negative publicity, as much of it would fall on the greedy actors as the cheap and greedy network.

Finally, I’d ask my assistant to place calls to Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Michael Richards.

“Remember all that money we gave you guys for the final year of ‘Seinfeld’? Well, enjoy it, ‘cause there’s a new sheriff in town. And by the way, Julia, I saw ‘Geppetto.’ The next time someone says ‘Drew Carey’ and ‘musical’ in the same sentence, call me before you say ‘Yes’ to the part.”

After that, I’d book a vacation to Hawaii, then head out to an overpriced lunch.

Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached by e-mail at brian.lowry@latimes.com.