With Hugh Grant Out of the Picture, a New Suitor Gallantly Steps Forward

My dear Ms. Elizabeth Hurley. (Stop.) I’m so sorry to hear that you and Hugh Grant broke up. (Stop.) Hugh is pretty much a Mallomar, though, don’t you think? (Stop.) Oh, sure, there was that thing with the hooker in L.A. I give him props for that. (Stop.) But then, he went on every TV talk show, and he got dewy-eyed and groveled. After a while, you just wanted to say, “Get up off your knees, sissy boy. You’re making me itch.” (Stop.)

I’m happy to learn from your publicists that this “is an amicable decision.” But I’m confused when they say you and Hugh have broken up “temporarily.” The indication is you will get back together. (Stop.) How soon? (Stop.) Before this Friday night at 7:30? (Stop.)

Ms. Hurley, I don’t want you to think I send telegrams to every famous British woman whose relationship has gone down the toilet. Margaret Thatcher could be loose as a moose tomorrow, and I wouldn’t walk across the street to put out a hair spray fire on her head. (Stop.) But I think you are very beautiful. (Stop.) I attempted to get a subscription to the Estee Lauder catalog. Seriously, I would drink your bath water. (Stop.) I mean, is Hugh Grant freakin’ crazy? (Stop.)

OK, I know this must be a heartbreaking time for you--being alone, feeling rejected. (Stop.) You’re probably wondering how to reassure yourself. I suggest putting on the black, sheer negligee from Page 27 of the fall ’98 catalog. (Stop.) Anyway, what I’m getting to is--and I want to phrase this as delicately as possible--would you like a piece of me?

Stop.

Did you see where President Clinton is being disbarred in Arkansas? They don’t want him to practice law there. (How about Clinton at that fund-raiser in his bluejeans and big, brass belt buckle? He looked like the third runner-up in a “Be Lyle Lovett for an Hour” contest.)

Disbarment. Big deal. Most of the legal work in Arkansas involves the theft of a tooth. The theft of a “dress-up tooth” might go all the way to the state Supreme Court.

You think Clinton is ever going back to Arkansas, anyway? Grow up. Elian Gonzalez has a better chance of living there than Clinton. He’ll show up for an hour the day they dedicate the Clinton library--the first-ever presidential library with an “adult” section.

Stop.

True story: This week, I got a call from someone at People magazine who said, and I quote: “Matthew Perry just got in a car accident, and because of the hilarious column you wrote last week, we thought we’d give you first shot at saying something.”

To which I replied, “Who is Matthew Perry?”

There was an awkward silence on the line. The man from People said, “He’s in the cast of ‘Friends.’ Your column last week was about ‘Friends.’ ”

“Oh,” I said.

“He got in a car accident, and we thought you might like to weigh in.”

“You want me to be funny about this?” I asked. “Where’d you study journalism, the World Wrestling Federation?”

Then, I called my friend Tom to find out which one Matthew Perry was.

“Chandler,” he said.

There was an awkward silence on the line.

“The fat one,” Tom said.

Oh, right! The one who never tucks in his shirt anymore because he has to cover up the giant sea otter stapled to his waistline. He wants to marry the dark-haired anorexic one, Monica. This is the part nobody can understand: Why she wants to marry this short, fat dope when Tom Selleck is crazy for her. Granted, we may soon hear the kiss of death, “I’d like to go to Tom Selleck to block.” But he still looks fab, as opposed to Perry, who looks like he’s about to explode from Twinkie poisoning. I know why Perry wants to marry the anorexic one--he gets to eat two meals at every sitting.

Stop.

When I said how bad “Friends” was last week, I forgot to suggest what should happen to the cast. Now, I know: Put them on the island with the people in the upcoming reality-based series “Survivor.”

Sixteen people are dropped off on an island with some rice and beans and told to build a cooperative society. After a few episodes, though, tensions begin bubbling, and with a little luck, the people begin to crush each other’s skulls with coconuts.

They winnow the 16 by having cast members vote to expel other cast members until, after 39 days, one million-dollar survivor is left. It wouldn’t be Matthew Perry. He wouldn’t last until dinner on rice and beans.

Stop. Please.