A Lawsuit of Olympic Proportions

You can count out the National Enquirer as the official tabloid of the 2000 Olympic Games.

The United States Olympic Committee has sued the tabloid’s parent company, American Media Inc. The suit accuses the company of falsely implying that its magazine, Olympics USA, was part of the official Olympic effort.

There are Olympic rings and a torch, and symbols of bronze, silver and gold medals scattered through the magazine. But alas, there is no official approval from the USOC. According to the suit, American Media asked permission, was turned down, and went for the gold, anyway.

The USOC’s suit, filed in federal court in San Francisco, claims American Media’s alleged Olympian poaching “will impair the USOC’s ability to raise the funds necessary to ensure the very best United States participation in the Olympic games.”

The suit seeks a restraining order. But we know how to settle this one. There should be a tabloid Olympics. Imagine these events:

Public Canoodling: Tattooed newlyweds Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie.

Plastic Surgery: Michael Jackson, Joan Rivers, that divorcee in New York who looks like a jungle cat.

Human Pipe Cleaners: Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn Boyle.

Publicity Hounds: A close contest between Darva Conger, Pamela Anderson, and anyone from “Survivor.”

Most Naked Woman in a Dress: Jennifer Lopez, Geena Davis.

ROYAL PAIN: Now that it has been ordered, literally, to pay a mint in legal fees, the estate of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, is probably sorry it ever filed that federal trademark suit. The estate had sought to stop the Pennsylvania-based Franklin Mint from hawking unauthorized Diana tchotchkes.

It lost, big time.

U.S. District Court Judge Florence-Marie Cooper, meanwhile, has ordered the estate to pay the mint’s lawyers $2.3 million. It could have been worse. The lawyers sought $3.1 million to cover 10,900 billable hours they spent defending the mint’s right to peddle plates, dolls and other kitschy mementos.

Last year, a federal judge ruled against the princess’ estate after finding that British law does not recognize publicity rights after death.

SONIC YOUTH: A former technician at KABC-AM radio alleges that the station and its corporate owners, ABC and the Walt Disney Co., created a “hit list” of employees over 40 and then harassed them out of their jobs.

ABC denies it.

Gregory Stuart Hardison’s Los Angeles Superior Court suit claims the hit list was first drawn up when Disney acquired the station. Employees on the list received poor performance reviews and weren’t promoted, the suit says. They were singled out for disciplinary action and assigned to work undesirable shifts.

“The notion is absurd,” an ABC spokeswoman said. “We have a clear and strict anti-discrimination policy,” she added.

Hardison’s suit says he turned 40 in March 1998. After 17 years of praise and generous merit raises, within months he suddenly was falsely accused of downloading porn off the Internet and was suspended without pay. In September, Hardison, who also had led a union organizing effort, filed a formal age discrimination complaint. A week later, he was fired, according to the suit, which seeks unspecified monetary and punitive damages.

Hardison, who screened callers during talk shows, is not the first Disney employee to sue over the alleged hit list. Two other cases are set for trial in Orange County later this year.

ORPHANS: The Chipmunks--Alvin, Theodore and Simon--could have been somebodies. They could have been contenders. But Universal Studios mismanaged the helium-voiced little rodents and killed their cartoon careers, the son of their creator alleges in Los Angeles Superior Court.

The suit by Ross Bagdasarian Jr. seeks damages of $100 million, charging that Universal backed out of its promise to license and market the singing critters after buying a 35% interest in them.

According to the suit, Bagdasarian inherited the rights to the Chipmunks upon his father’s death in 1972. He cut a deal with Universal in 1996, in which the studio agreed to produce a Chipmunk movie, directed by Robert Zemeckis, and promote the heck out of the little fur balls.

But, the suit states, instead of “adopting the Chipmunks into the Universal family and building them a nurturing home” the studio treated them “like the poor unwanted stepchild who must be hidden away from public view.”

And so, no movie, no video, no Saturday morning cartoon show, no Chipmunk theme park rides. Not surprisingly, Chipmunk revenue tanked from $4 million a year to $70,000, the suit says.

Universal isn’t talking.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME: A Los Angeles Superior Court judge has blocked the sale, for now, of an honorary Oscar statuette the late Judy Garland received in 1940 for her work in “The Wizard of Oz.”

Judge Dzintra Janavs granted a preliminary injunction requested by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to keep Garland’s ex, Sidney Luft, and a South Bay collector from selling the golden boy.

The Academy claims any sale would violate a 1958 agreement signed by Garland that gives the Academy dibs to buy the Oscar back for $10.

Luft and collector Nate Sanders claim the statuette they want to sell is a knock-off made for Garland when she lost the original. She later found it.

Now that there are two Oscars floating around, it follows that there are two lawsuits. The Academy also has sued a company called Star Wares and owner Marcia Tysseling over another Oscar she says she received on consignment from Luft.

Luft had tried to sell the duplicate Oscar at a Christie’s auction in 1993, but the Academy went to court and blocked the sale.

Will the real Oscar please stand up?