No Fashion Tips Either

American author Bill Bryson, whose book, “In a Sunburned Country,” is considered must reading by U.S. Olympic journalists, is writing a newspaper column in the Age of Melbourne.

The latest installment concerned how little most Americans know about Australia, as evidenced by Newsday recently referring to Sydney as “the Australian capital.”

“So the Olympics obviously represent a golden opportunity for some of America’s most gifted and thoughtful commentators to rectify this regrettable shortfall in our knowledge,” Bryson wrote. “Unfortunately, they’ve sent sportswriters instead.”

FEEL FREE TO KICK THEM WHILE THEY’RE DOWN UNDER

“Sportswriters, as a rule, are not the most sensitive and appreciative of world travelers,” Bryson wrote. “These are people who like their comforts to be reliable and uncomplicated [and] for whom the words ‘stylish’ and ‘nylon’ are not necessarily incompatible.”

PENNEY’S THOUGHTS ON WORLD GEOGRAPHY

Here’s a feat that won’t be matched any time soon.

Kirk Penney is the first New Zealander to play in the NCAA Final Four and the Olympics in the same year.

“It’s a real honor,” said Penney, a freshman on Wiscoynsin’s Final Four team last season.

He’ll probably be the only player to manage the doublkce for a long time. New Zealand, winless in its first two games, is making its first Olympic basketball appearance after qualifying out of Oceania only because comparative powerhouse Australia received an automatic bid as the host country.

Some Americans don’t even realize New Zealand is its xown country and not part of Australia, Penney said.

“They think it’s part of Europe, or England, or off the coast of Florida. It’s pretty screwed up,” he said with a laugh.

Actually, New Zealand is a three-hour flight from Australia, and has a distinct culture.

“Different accents, for starters. They’ve got more of a twang,” Penney said. “Different icons, the kangaroo and the kiwi. And we’re more laid back. Although they are too, in comparison with America.”

CONDOM-MANIA AMONG CUBANS IN OLYMPIC VILLAGE

Women’s basketball player Michele Timms of Australia, tremendously popular in her homeland, appeared on a rather freewheeling local TV sports show the other day and was quizzed about what she had observed regarding the condom distribution to athletes in the village.

Said Timms: “I think the Cubans are winning that race.”

SOUVENIR HAWKERS IN RACE FOR OLYMPIC GOLD

Maybe it’s the $40 T-shirts.

The Sydney Daily Telegraph reported that teams of security guards are replenishing ATMs at Olympic Park every night with $150,000 in cash, so souvenir-hungry fans can buy pins, caps, posters and other mementos.

According to the newspaper, more than $1.9 million has been withdrawn from the 22 ATMs on the grounds.

A FEW DAYS LATER, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN THORPEDO II

Lulia Mose of Sydney went into labor with her sixth child during Friday’s opening ceremony, so she knew no ordinary name would do for the baby that was born 12:02 a.m. Saturday.

The little boy’s name?

Olympius.

NAKED AMBITION DOESN’T TIP SCALES

Debbie Allan of England, a gold medal hopeful in judo, was disqualified for failing to make her fighting weight after weighing herself on practice scales that had been tampered with.

When Allan was weighed, she complained the scales were uneven. When officials looked at the mechanism, they found someone had inserted tissue paper into the machinery, which resulted in falsely low readouts.

When the scales were recalibrated, Allan--the 1999 European champion in the 52-kilogram class--was 400 grams (about 13 ounces) over the limit. She exercised frantically for three hours, cut off most of her long hair and weighed herself while naked, but she was 50 grams over the limit and was sent home.

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE, AT LEAST THEY’RE SHOWN LIVE

U.S. women’s soccer midfielder Lorrie Fair, passing judgment on the Olympic television fare being offered in Australia:

“Those trap shooters are talented, but I can’t watch 25 rounds of it.”

IT SEEMS NOBODY CAN GET IT RIGHT

U.S. viewers should have it this good.

Among the daily controversies getting play in Sydney newspapers today was the huge gaffe by Seven Australia, the network with the local broadcast rights. Australian swimmer Susie O’Neill won the 200-meter freestyle, but Seven picked up the action about 10 seconds too late, staying with the Qantas ad it was running rather than cutting away for the start of the race.

Thousands of angry phone calls resulted.

Word was that, in the United States, NBC will show O’Neill’s victory sometime before Christmas.

NOTE TO OUR READERS: DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME

Round-the-clock television coverage of the Games can cause a few slips of the tongue, not least of which was Australian commentator Sandy Roberts’ remark while covering the men’s gymnastics that one Chinese athlete could “hang his head high” after his pommel horse routine.

HE’S STILL STEAMED ABOUT ATLANTA GAMES

It’s never too late to take another shot at the 1996 Olympics, it seems.

Columnist Ian Wooldridge of England’s Daily Mail wrote a piece that appeared Wednesday in Australia’s Herald Sun in which he said that Atlanta hosted the Games “with such underwhelming talent that global ridicule reduced it to resentful ruin.”

Continued Wooldridge: “How any American observer dare criticize what has happened in Sydney so far defies all understanding.”

WITH VENUS THESE DAYS, ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE-LOVE

It isn’t easy being Venus Williams.

Williams, ranked third in the world and seeded second in this tournament, defeated Henrieta Nagyova, 6-2, 6-2, in a 53-minute first-round match late Tuesday. In addition to gaining a berth in the second round, she also got some wolf whistles when she took off her sweatshirt.

“Well, I guess it’s part of being good-looking,” she said.

HE WAS HIDING OUT RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES

It is interesting to watch how many of the Australian Olympic stars handle their celebrity, compared to the often-reclusive stars from the United States. Tuesday night, after he had won his opening tennis match, Australian tennis idol Pat Rafter went to the swimming venue to watch.

There was no entourage, just Rafter and his Olympic roommate, tennis teammate Lleyton Hewitt. And if you missed him at first glance, you could find him easily by the Australian green wig he was wearing.

PLEASE DON’T ASK HIM TO SHOW YOU THE MONEY

According to Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, Australia’s timid heroine, Cathy Freeman, should reconsider her anticipated move to Westwood to train with John Smith.

Reason: “The overwhelming presence of eccentric champion Maurice Greene,” the newspaper said.

“The term ‘high energy’ could have been invented for Greene, who carries himself as if he has seen the Rod Tidwell character played by Cuba Gooding Jr. in ‘Jerry Maguire’ a few thousand too many times,” the newspaper said, referring to the world-record holder in the 100 meters who trains under Smith.

“This week he was heard proclaiming: ‘I came to bleed the pain, baby.’ Whether Freeman would handle the jive talk every day remains to be seen.”

AND FINALLY

A Sydney cop, upon catching a man illegally scalping tickets in front of Olympic Park, shooed him away with the warning, “If you come back here, I’ll give you a $600 ticket and I’d like to see you sell that.”

*

--From reports by Bill Dwyre, Helene Elliott, Grahame L. Jones, Mike Kupper, Robyn Norwood and Bill Plaschke.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

BY THE NUMBERS

5.8: Tickets, in millions, sold so far

1.6: Tickets, in millions, remaining

8: Tickets, in millions, sold in Atlanta

100: Percent of tickets sold for rhythmic gymnastics, one of five events to sell out.

40: Percent of tickets sold for synchronized swimming, the least popular event.

10,200: Tickets remaing for the closing ceremony