Oh, the Sweaters Outside Are Frightful
I know a man who asked only one thing before he married his wife. He did not demand fidelity or sobriety. He did not elicit any promises that she accept his family (warts and all), his devotion to televised sports or his habit of casting dirty underwear to and fro.
All he asked of her was this: Never, ever wear a Christmas sweater.
It may be the most brilliant pre-nup I’ve ever heard. And, not incidentally, the key to their lasting marriage.
Anyone who shudders (sometimes violently) at the sight of a Christmas sweater would understand his feelings. Is there anything more egregious than the Christmas sweater?
Don’t play dumb. You know what I’m talking about. Those “craft” pieces bedecked with holiday ornamentation, sequins, faux fur and beaded snow. Entire cutesy Currier & Ives scenes or bedazzled gingerbread men affixed to nearly every working surface of a sweater. So much packed onto these garments that they make the wearer look like a berserk nutcracker or a walking Christmas potholder.
These demented sparklers don’t come cheap. Some can run more than $200 (the more doodads, the more intricate the novelty, the more they cost). And they appear to appeal to both sexes--the Betty Whites of the world and the Bill Cosbys. In fact, a new McDonald’s TV ad skewers the Christmas sweater by showing a group of women “re-gifting” Christmas sweaters for their clueless husbands.
You might wonder if someone who is paid to examine pop culture and critique fashion would have something better to do than mock this beloved holiday tradition. The answer is, yes, I could try to make the world a better, safer place. But isn’t that why we have Martha Stewart and John Ashcroft?
The origins of the Christmas sweater aren’t known. It’s not like you can open a scholarly dissertation on the history of fashion and find an entry for “people who deliberately want to look like absurd members of the Family Kringle” or footnotes for “women who knit too much.”
The lineage of the Christmas sweater is hard to trace. Yet the sweater is everywhere--from the fad-happy West Coast to the Mall of America to the affluent ‘burbs of Connecticut. All ethnic groups, all economic classes seem to have a weak spot for the Christmas sweater.
Why the Grinch attitude toward the Christmas sweater? For me, there are several deep psychological factors (which, I’m certain, are shared by many). First there is the element of forced good cheer. Christmas sweaters demand your holiday attention; they insist you smile. Bah, humbug! Christmas sweaters also exemplify the sad letdown after the enormous holiday buildup.
Anyone who has ever received socks, a Santa tie or a self-help book for Christmas will understand the disappointment: The Christmas sweater is the gift equivalent of coal in the stocking. Last--and I know there are many women who will understand--there’s the mother factor. No woman wants to dress like her mother or be told she is growing up to look just like Mom.
But the biggest argument against the Christmas sweater is the very fashion wrongness of it. Has anyone ever benefited from a knit garment festooned with applique and shot through with tinsel? The answer is, quite plainly, no.
So resist the temptation to attend the cookie swap clad in a winter wonderland diorama. Go over the meadow and through the woods without a dozen knit peppermint sticks dancing across your chest. We beseech you.
Santa knows who’s been naughty or nice. He also knows how many of those hideous things you own.
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Greg Morago is a writer for the Hartford Courant, a Tribune Co.
