His Ideal Movie Theater Would Go Back to Basics

I am opening a movie theater, eventually a chain. It will be called the Retro. It will be different from all other movie theaters, starting with starting times.

All movies at the Retro will start and end on the hour or half-hour. No movies will begin at 7:14 and end at 8:43. People will be able to figure out when to leave for a movie, when they will be home from a movie and how long a movie will run. Right now, such information is available only to math majors.

The Retro will be big. It will not be some glorified great room with stadium seating. And it will have a large silver screen. And the front-row seats will not be so close that you feel in danger of being sucked up into the leading lady’s nostrils.

The Retro will offer the same refreshments as chain theaters, and they will cost the same. The only difference will be you will get less. Popcorn will come in bags, not garbage cans. Soda will come in cups, not vats.

The sound system in the Retro will not be Dolby, and it will not surround. Rather, it will be geared toward one’s normal hearing range, taking into account, of course, that some patrons might be paying the price for years of listening to “Purple Haze” at full throttle.

The Retro will show no previews. The exception will be Monday nights, when there will be no feature presentation--only previews. This should satisfy those who don’t like to watch a movie if they haven’t seen its 10 best scenes in advance.

In terms of room temperature, the Retro will treat patrons like humans, not viruses. When people walk out the door, they will not feel as if they are leaving a petri dish.

Probably the biggest difference between the Retro and other theaters will be seating. All seats will be reserved. This will eliminate the two biggest annoyances with which moviegoers must contend:

* Defensive seaters: These are people who sit so that a single seat is created, which can then be used to store their coats. For example, rather than take the first two seats in a row, they will take the second and third seat, making the first seat a single, and less likely to be occupied. Or they will sit in the middle of a row, but not next to the person who has entered from the other side, thereby creating a landlocked seat. Reserved seating would not only solve this problem but a related one as well.

* People movers: These are the pushy couples who show up after the movie has started and begin asking others to move around so they can sit together.

Finally, the Retro will assume full responsibility for audience behavior. And this job will not fall to some timid teen with a tiny flashlight. Instead, the Retro will employ professional snipers who will be equipped with laser-guided tranquilizer guns for anesthetizing talkers, coughers, snorers and people movers.

Jim Shea writes for the Hartford Courant, a Tribune company.