Lesson in How Now, Capitalist Cow?

Dear Ann: I am an inner-city English teacher, and my students are reading George Orwell’s “1984.” I am having a difficult time explaining communism, socialism and fascism to my students without giving a full-blown, time-consuming history lesson.

I recall you printed a humorous column some time ago explaining these concepts using cows as examples. Will you please print it again for my students?

I’m sure it will kick-start a lively class discussion. I’d appreciate your help.

--A TEACHER IN MISSISSIPPI

Dear Mississippi Teacher: Thank you for asking. It’s an “oldie,” but a “goldie.” Here it is:

-ISMS

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. You give all of the milk to the government, and the government sells it.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows.

Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow.

Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.

Dear Ann: I am writing in response to “Wrong Side of the Tracks in New York.” She is the woman who felt uncomfortable attending social events with her fiance because her family was not in the same financial bracket as his. You told her to put a smile on her face and go. That was great advice.

I attended a military academy with many students who came from old money and whose families had rich military histories. My background is working class. Some people made snide comments about my clothes or the lack of prestige surrounding my family lineage.

My fiance, who comes from a long line of military elite, did not insist that I attend events with him because he knew I felt inadequate. I now regret that I didn’t have the courage to go. It would have been a real victory.

Whether she realizes it, “New York” is superior to those snobs. She should hold her head up high and show them what real class is. She will discover that it is only the ignorant few who do not have the social skills or grace to behave in a civil manner toward her.

--NO NAME, USCG

Dear USCG: I believe in the aristocracy of achievement. It’s not who your ancestors were that matters, but what you can achieve on your own that counts.

To reach Ann Landers, write to Ann Landers, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.