Confronting Life’s First Identity Crisis

What’s in a name?

Is it a mystical imprint that can cast a shadow over a child’s very existence, or is it minor enough to be mulled over just before exiting the hospital? When it comes to nailing down a name for a child, some people approach the task in as many ways as they can.

Many a battle has been waged over what to address a baby, at a time when the couple should be at their happiest. Others simply pick a name on a whim.

Consider Sanjay and Lisa Patel of London, recent visitors to Stamford, Conn. They lopped the “i” off Armani and named their 8-week-old son Arman. “It was out of desperation really, because the hospital wouldn’t let us out without a name,” says Sanjay jokingly. “We had a book of 30,000 names to choose from and it only made things worse.”

So, how do you begin to pick that special name?

Jennifer Moss, creator of https://www.babynames.com, says, “Forty percent use family-based names, 50% use popular names and 10% go for the more unusual names.”

Her Web site tracks the most popular names and offers meanings and suggestions for various monikers. She says the two most used names of 1999--Jacob and Emily--marked a trend backward.

“In the turn of the century, there was a trend to go back to older names,” she says. “It was kind of a reaction to all the names that were carved out of surnames in the early ‘90s.” As a result, she predicts names such as Eliath, Nathan and Zachary will be high on the final list for 2000.

The best source for popular names is the Social Security Administration’s Web site--https://www.ssa.gov/OACT/NOTES/note139/note139.html--overseen by Michael Shackleford, chief actuary. Names are listed in popularity by gender, year of birth and state.

Wendy Thompson, a nurse in the maternity ward at Stamford Hospital, estimates that between six and 15 couples daily seek her help with baby names. Although parents have 10 days after the birth to choose a name, Thompson says the majority choose before leaving the hospital.

“Some people really have no idea, they just know they want the child’s name to begin with the letter A,” she says.

First, parents are steered toward a bevy of name books and encouraged to choose one themselves. If that fails, Thompson says the nurses often poll each other about their favorite names, which are then offered to the puzzled parents. “If they need the help, we’re going to help them,” she says.

She says the most touching moments have been when women have been kept in the hospital for extended periods, and parents have incorporated the names of nurses or aides into their child’s first or middle name. In the two years she has worked in maternity, Thompson says certain names keep coming up--Michael for boys, Emma and Ashley for girls. Her favorite names? Brody for boys and Haley for girls.

The meanings attached to names are of great concern to some people (example: Patrick--”nobleman”) and when a child is born prematurely, Thompson says, people often ask for a name meaning “miracle.” People also ask her which names are most popular, so as to avoid them.

Fairfield, Conn., residents Lynne and Tom Webber had just that in mind when they settled on the name Jack for their 3-month-old son.

“We thought we’d give him something that hadn’t been used in a while, so he’d stand out but not have a name that was too odd,” she says. “We found out the name is actually still in fashion, but we still love the name.”

Although this is the couple’s third child, going through the naming process hasn’t gotten easier. Each time, they’ve settled on half a dozen possibilities. The couple was all set to name their daughter Laura, but when she went past her due date, they changed their minds and went with Audrey. “When you’re overdue, you always change at the last moment,” she says.

Sue Quinlan, a Westport, Conn., clinical psychologist specializing in diagnostic assessment of children, says name origins are a great conversation starter when she first sees a young patient.

“I always ask a child if they’ve been named after a family member or ask the country it originates from. It feeds into their self-identity,” she says.

Quinlan says a name doesn’t necessarily affect the future behavior of a child; that a name is too small a piece of the pie to pin all sorts of behaviors on, because you don’t know how easily the child will stand up to teasing.

“You don’t know if they’re going to have a vulnerable personality. Some children can be named Purple and they’d be fine; others might not do so well,” she says.

“I find that there are lot of children who are named after their father, not the mother. That adds another aspect to what may already be a difficult relationship because the father can become more sensitive to the flaws that they see in themselves,” she says.

“The people who have the most trouble are the people who have very common last names or very unusual names, like Smith or Kazinsky,” Moss says. A name’s popularity can hinge on news events. The name Monica hasn’t recovered from 1998. Some names consistently score low, such as Rupert, Tilly, Horace, Herbert, Frieda and Ursula.

What’s the most unusual name Moss has encountered in the four years since her Web site debuted?

“We once had a guy who . . . settled on Al Kukla,” she says. Quinlan recalls a couple who named their son Michael Stanislaus. “Their logic was if he wants to be a lawyer, he could be Michael S.; if he wants to be an actor, he could be M. Stanislaus.”