Personal Ads From the Older and Wiser

Personal ads are changing. People don’t seem to be as choosy. You don’t have to be a sleek, attractive professional anymore. You don’t have to love jazz, taxidermy and fencing. These days, people are settling for less:

Sybil: Divorced man searching for woman who doesn’t hear voices.

San Quentin: Single woman seeking man not currently incarcerated.

I think the reason personals are changing is because the people seeking and being sought are getting older. There’s something about having been around the block a time or two that makes dancing in the moonlight seem less appealing than dining at the Blue Plate.

As the baby boomers boogie toward senior citizenship, I think personal ads will continue to evolve. Ten years from now, here is how a typical column of personal ads will read:

Foxy Lady

Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, slim, 5-foot-4 (used to be 5-foot-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

Long-Term Commitment

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Beatles or Stones?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

Memories

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

Mint Condition

Male, 1947, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn’t run but walks well.

Macho Man

Viagra, I don’t need no stinkin’ Viagra.