Well, Excuse Me!

Listen up! Yeah, you. There’s a new study on American rudeness. Well, you better care. Manners are any society’s invisible operating rules--the meaningless yes please-no thank you-excuse me codes that grease our daily social encounters. Behavior expectations vary by culture; in some societies, being late, burping audibly or not knocking requires no apology. But rules exist everywhere. And so do hurt feelings when they’re broken.

You got a problem with rudeness? Lilia Cortina does. She’s a psychologist at the University of Michigan. Cortina told a recent American Psychological Assn. meeting that Americans’ manners at work are not good and perhaps are worsening. Like someone from Michigan would know.

It shouldn’t surprise adults that children grow up ruder and cruder in a society that tolerates radio shock jocks, lyrics celebrating misogyny and pro athletes waving one finger at a jeering crowd.

You want to make something of it? Maybe we should, because office rudeness, it seems, not only hurts feelings and reduces morale; it also costs real money through phony sick days, tardiness, even depression and reduced productivity. Suck it up, you say. Even swallowing perceived rudeness causes psychological stress, Cortina found, but reporting rudeness prompts office retribution.

Cortina (will she ever shut up?) politely surveyed 1,100 federal court employees, mainly white women, from mail clerks to attorneys. Seventy-one percent reported workplace incivility occurring within the previous five years, 40% more than once. Maybe they’re whiners. Rudeness is subjective. One person’s insult is another’s dumb joke and another’s hilarious comment. But it’s impact that matters, not intent. Genders perceive and digest rudeness differently. Here’s a study shocker: Women sense more rudeness than men, whose comradely exchanges can involve escalating pleasantries that begin, “What dumpster did you get that tie from?”

It does seem that rudeness is cumulative and microscopically corrosive, word by word, especially in an increasingly diverse society and in workplaces where communications are instant while understanding and acceptance come slower. Television’s fervor for heat and hyperbole, for instance, certainly features confrontation over conciliation.

Maybe when tempted by the Rude Gods, each of us on our own could tone it down just a notch, if only for his or her children’s sake. As if they’re going to listen. Meanwhile, thank you so very much for reading this.