LAUGH LINES

Doing the Impossible: “Police in Atlanta say they are still looking for the intruder who broke into the Ramseys’ house, tied up John Ramsey and locked him in the bathroom. If the police catch this guy, they should give him a medal. He did what everyone else in law enforcement couldn’t do--lock up John Ramsey.” (Jay Leno)

In Denial: “Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton denied any knowledge that her brother accepted bribes. Hillary was quoted as saying, ‘If I don’t know what my husband is up to, I certainly don’t know what my brother is up to.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Boom! “Residents of Big Sur, Calif., are upset that the Navy plans to run nearly 3,000 practice bombing missions on a nearby bombing range. Remember that California is the home of the television and filmmaking industries. Aren’t they already dealing with too many bombs as it is?” (Jerry Perisho)

Silence, Please! “Hillary Rodham Clinton gave a press conference on the pardon scandal. She said she first heard about her brother being involved when she got a call while she was in a movie theater. This is going to hurt her chances of becoming president in 2004. People are not going to vote for someone who uses a cell phone in a movie theater.” (Leno)

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