Imagining if the President Had Made a Right Turn to Visit O.C.

What George W. Bush and Orange County GOP Chairman Tom Fuentes might have said to each other had the president chosen to visit the county during his California visit this week:

Fuentes: Welcome back to Orange County, Mr. President.

Bush: No problem. It’s Tom, right?

Fuentes: Uh, right.

Bush: Need to jazz that up a bit. Too many Toms around. You don’t mind if I call you “Fu-Man,” do you? I’ve got a reputation for nicknaming people.

Fuentes (faking pleasure): Fu-Man it is.

Bush: What’s on your mind? It’s always good to know we can count on Orange County to deliver the goods for us.

Fuentes: Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. We did deliver the goods for you, 56% to 40%, but it’s not as easy as it used to be.

Bush (smiling and faking a punch to the Fu-Man’s chin): Aw, whaddya talking about? Things are great. People love our message. The party’s doing the people’s business.

Fuentes: Well, around here, the party used to do the people’s business a lot more often than it does now. Just for example, your dad beat Dukakis by 317,000 votes here in 1988. Reagan beat Mondale in ’84 by 430,000. You beat Gore by 150,000.

Bush (smiling): Hey, you only have to win by one.

Fuentes (beginning to perspire): That’s true, sir, but some people are a little concerned about the trend lines. Democrats used to consider it a great election day if they kept their Orange County losses under 200,000. And I don’t need to tell you that you lost the state last year by 1.2 million. Orange County can’t do much about a margin like that.

Bush: You dog. Are you trying to ruin my day?

Fuentes: Not at all. The good news is you did better than Bob Dole in ’96. Maybe you’ve turned things around. It’s just that--

Bush: What, what?

Fuentes: In a nutshell, sir, this county isn’t the conservative, white-bread place it used to be. It’s only about 51% white now. It’s pushing 30% Latino and 15% Asian. Just 10 years ago, those figures were 65%, 23% and 10%.

Bush: Trust me. Latinos love me. I’ve had good rapport with them in Texas.

Fuentes: With all due respect, this isn’t Texas. The Republican Party in this state has dug you a hole you may never get out of. The Democrats have us beaten 3 to 1 in Latino registration, and they’re registering in larger and larger numbers.

Bush: Ouch. Well, we can still count on the Vietnamese vote down here, can’t we?

Fuentes: It depends on how you define “count on.” We use to have them registered 3 to 1 over the Democrats here in Orange County. Now we’re more like 55 to 45, with a lot more independents.

Bush: If I was the type of guy to worry, that’d be something to worry about. But it sounds like we just need to--

Fuentes: There’s another little problem around here.

Bush: Don’t tell me . . .

Fuentes: Yep, moderate Republicans.

Bush: Jim Jeffords types?

Fuentes: The tea-and-tennis set. They’re not nearly as conservative as they should be. Or as you are. They’ve started some brush fires around here. We’ve kept them at bay so far, but they’ve got plenty of money behind them, and I don’t think they’re going away. You know as well as I that there’s not that much difference between a moderate Republican and a moderate Democrat.

Bush: You’re just a bundle of good news, Fu-Man.

Fuentes: And then there’s this energy situation, sir.

Bush: Let me guess: They want me to do something.

Fuentes: It’s just that we’ve got thousands of entrepreneurs down here, sir. Lots of small businesses, 50, 100 people in a company. They don’t necessarily like handouts, but when their lights go out, they lose money. They’re good Republicans; they don’t like losing money.

Bush: I’ve got Cheney working on it.

Fuentes: Uh, sir, if you could just indicate you feel their pain.

Bush: Hush your mouth!

Fuentes: Sorry.

Bush (rising to leave): Hey, sounds like we’ve got some work to do here. It’s a good thing I showed up.

Fuentes: Indeed.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.