Holiday Table: A New Tone

American holidays seem built upon a peculiar mix of happiness and high anxiety. We love to celebrate. But it’s commingled with the stress of cooking elaborate dinners, shopping for gifts and attending obligatory social events.

And this year, perhaps unlike any in recent memory, holiday stress could reach lofty new proportions--for adults and children.

The Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the spate of anthrax-tainted letters, the war in Afghanistan and the economic recession have affected people young and old. Tension over those events, together with worries about the future, all point to a handle-with-care holiday season.

“Holidays, independent of the world around us, bring out the best and the worst in families,” says Robin H. Gurwitch, a psychologist at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center. “People need to think ahead as much as possible this year so that buttons don’t get pressed.”

Parents, especially, should remember that they aren’t the only ones on edge, mental health experts caution. Children continue to be affected and confused in ways adults may find surprising. Because it’s hard for them to put recent events in perspective, including last week’s plane crash in New York, many of them may be understandably anxious.

“Unlike most tragic events that are one shot, this has been ongoing,” says Gurwitch, who counseled families after the Oklahoma City bombing. “As parents, you don’t want to be blindsided by not thinking about how this is affecting your family.”

But before adults deal with their children, they should reflect on their own emotions, experts say.

Although parents should, when appropriate, remind children that they are safe, that message could ring hollow if the adult doesn’t feel safe himself, says Bernard Arons, director of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Mental Health Services.

“Young people are picking up on the stress and tension,” he says. “Some people say, ‘Oh, my kids aren’t aware of what’s going on at all.’ I really think that kids are very perceptive observers of adult behavior.” Many parents discussed the Sept. 11 attacks with their children. But some therapists say parents may be reluctant to discuss the ongoing events. That could be a mistake.

Children sense if their parents or adult relatives are worried, says Gurwitch. “To have children believe we are not stressed out is wishful thinking,” she says. “Children are wonderful radar. They can tell when their parents are happy. They can tell when their parents are stressed. They can tell when their parents are sad.”

Up until now, adults may have avoided discussing frightening news with children present. But if the extended family or friends gather for Thanksgiving and subsequent holidays, it could become a forum for adults to discuss what’s happened and to vent bottled-up feelings.

Keep in mind that children may be listening and that what you say could be upsetting, says Robin Goodman, of New York University’s Child Study Center. It’s healthy for adults to discuss their feelings in appropriate settings, such as adults-only social outings. But children don’t need to be burdened with their parents’ serious worries--the fear of losing a job, for example. Children should not be their parents’ de facto counselors, experts say.

Walking a Fine Line

To some extent, parents do need to tell their children what’s going on. For example, depending on the children’s ages, parents might explain that the holiday shopping budget is smaller this year because of the slow economy or that a favorite relative isn’t coming for a Thanksgiving visit because he or she is afraid to get on an airplane.

“I’m really of the opinion that reality should not be hidden from children,” says Dr. Lewis P. Lipsitt, professor emeritus of psychology at Brown University. But it should be presented in age-appropriate ways, he added.

“Children know that houses get burglarized. They sometimes ask, ‘Mommy, can that happen to us?’ The realistic answer is, ‘Yes, that could happen, but no one around us has had that happen,”’ Lipsitt says.

Similarly, pretending everything is fine or faking cheerfulness may backfire, experts say, because children are picking up other signals.

Parents should also reject the notion that, if you talk about something, you make it worse, says Gurwitch, of the University of Oklahoma. It’s not reasonable to tell children not to touch the mail but not explain why.

“Even if children don’t engage in conversation, they need to know it’s OK to ask questions,” Gurwitch says. “If parents say, ‘I’m going to wait until they bring it up,’ children may be thinking, ‘My parents aren’t talking about this, so I can’t bring it up.”’

And children may well be having difficulty dealing with recent events. While adults can make some sense of the war, terrorism and the nation’s economic problems through media coverage and discussions with other adults, a child’s reality can be skewed by rumors at school or inaccurate information circulated through e-mail. A middle-school-age child is likely to come home with a tale that a terrorist attack is imminent. A 6-year-old may have heard stories about bombs planted under the playground.

“A parent may feel relatively safe. But their child may go to school, and someone pulls a [terrorism-related] prank. The child’s world is affected in a different way,” says Goodman. “Parents often misjudge and underestimate what is going on with their kids.”

School-age children have been asking questions about the likelihood of a terrorist attack in Los Angeles and whether people they know will be sent to fight in the war, says Emilse Gonzalez, education director with the Girls and Boys Club of Hollywood. “They know what’s going on,” he says. “We just had a little girl ... who had heard about the plane crash [last week in New York] and that people died. She needed to be reassured.”

Even very young children are trying to assimilate recent events, says Morgan Graham, director-teacher of the All Children Great and Small preschool in the Los Feliz neighborhood of Los Angeles. “Children are playing firefighter and search-and-rescue constantly,” she says. “Those are themes in their play that I’ve never seen before.” The school has encouraged the children’s expression, even purchasing plastic firefighter hats, Graham says, because play helps young children master their feelings.

Parents also should encourage younger children to ask questions to get a sense of how they are coping, Gurwitch says. Often they may ask the same question repeatedly, gaining a better understanding of the issue each time the parent answers.

Young children who are scared or anxious may act out or express fears that seem unrelated to terrorism but may, indeed, be linked to recent events, she adds. A new fear--be it dogs or spiders or something else--may signal a child’s insecurity or fear about their personal safety. Some children who were directly affected by recent events, such as a child who lost a parent or witnessed the collapse of one of the World Trade Center towers, could be at risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder, says Gurwitch. If symptoms of anxiety are prolonged and interfere with daily activities, professional counseling may be needed.

All children are dealing with a revised image of the world they’re growing up in.

Older children and teenagers may seem fine but may be hiding insecurities, experts say.

“In teens, there is a certain amount of bravado that occurs with some dangerous situations,” Lipsitt says.

Sometimes they will go quiet instead of making inquiries about what is going on in the world. I think it’s a good idea to encourage conversation.”

The Meaning of the Holidays

Besides discussing anxieties, families should be proactive in their approach to the holidays. For example, parents could discuss with their children how people should treat each other. The events of Sept. 11 provide a basis for talking about violence, prejudice, hatred and tolerance--and examining family values, Gurwitch says.

Likewise, the holidays provide a time to discuss peace and thankfulness and how those values can be maintained during tough times. “Keep in mind what the purpose of the holiday is, and the history behind it,” Goodman says. “Thanksgiving has been a lasting institution even during world wars. Thanksgiving stays, even though things around it change.”

Counting one’s blessings could be therapeutic for all ages, experts say. If elaborate feasts or gift-giving seem inappropriate this year, consider other ways to find meaning in the holidays. Children could, for example, draw place mats or create a centerpiece for the Thanksgiving table that express their feelings. Many children have already participated in events to raise funds for victims of terrorism, and that can be encouraged throughout the holidays. Families could donate money to a charity, help fix or serve meals to people in need or clean out their closets and donate goods to charities.

“Thanksgiving is a wonderful time for instilling values about helping others who are less fortunate,” Gurwitch says. “Particularly after a severe trauma, it’s important to feel like you can do something. Sometimes just writing a letter to a soldier or firefighter that says ‘I care’ is a really positive thing.”

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How to Help Your Kids

* Reassure your children that they are safe.

* Listen to and be patient with your children’s retelling of events.

* Let children know that it’s OK to feel anger. Help them to understand that acts of violence or hatred by individuals of a specific racial, ethnic or religious background should not reflect unfavorably on all members of that group.

* Use simple, direct language to describe what happened. For example, use the word “died” rather than “went to sleep.”

* Realize that children may misunderstand information about an event as they try to make sense of it

* When traveling by air, prepare children for changes, such as longer waits at the airport or the presence of National Guard troops.

* Try to maintain family routines.

* Avoid exposing children to reminders of the trauma.

* Stay in touch with teachers and coaches to make sure your children aren’t having any coping problems.

* Make time for relaxing activities such as reading, listening to music, taking walks and riding bikes.

* Emphasize to your children that you love them.

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Sources: American Psychological Assn. and University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center

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Be Honest, Reassuring When Explaining Terrorism and War

For parents of elementary school students:

* Set limits on scary play or talk related to recent events.

* Emphasize their safety. Tell them, for example, that the president and others are working to make the country safe.

* Gently help them develop a realistic understanding of events.

* Expect regressive behavior, such as whining or bed-wetting.

* Limit the amount of time that they spend watching news or other programs that deal with recent traumatic events. If you do allow your children to watch television, keep their exposure brief and watch with them, talking with them afterward to minimize confusion or misunderstanding.

For parents of middle school students:

* Encourage them to talk about confusing feelings, worries, daydreams and any inability to concentrate. Reassure them that these are normal reactions after a scary event.

* Do activities that show how one person can make a difference in others’ lives. These can include sending cards to people affected by the tragedy or participating in projects to raise money for those in need.

* Monitor children who are withdrawn or isolated and those who are clearly angry or depressed. Consider seeking help from a mental health professional.

* Limit TV exposure and discuss what your children do see.

* Encourage them to express their thoughts in writing, such as keeping a journal, or in illustrations.

For parents of high school students:

* Set limits on scary talk, including threats of retribution. Discuss the emotions behind it.

* Encourage teenagers to talk about their feelings. Take advantage of the increased opportunities for learning and discussion of world events.

* Reassure them that uncomfortable feelings will be easier to handle with time.

* Monitor teenagers who are clearly depressed or are withdrawn or isolated from others. Because they are at higher risk of mental health problems than younger kids, seek professional help if the behavior continues.

* Be aware of your reactions to the event. Although it is OK to express emotions to teens, such as “I am feeling sad about what happened,” seek support from other adults, not your children.

* Allow them to spend more time with close, supportive friends.

* Encourage them to write their thoughts and feelings in a journal or to illustrate them.

* Respond to aggressive or self-destructive behavior quickly and firmly. Monitor comments about death and dying or suicidal thoughts. If these behaviors are severe or persist, seek professional help.

* Encourage teenagers to delay big decisions.

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Sources: American Psychological Assn. and University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center