Ice Cream and Hugs: Parents Comfort Children in Uncertain Times

In the best of times, many parents find it difficult to keep from indulging their children; in the worst of times, it seems impossible. Since the horrifying events of Sept. 11, parents have reached for their children, pulling them close, cuddling and coddling. Mothers who normally go the wheat toast or yogurt route find themselves tossing a box of Pop-Tarts or Lucky Charms into the shopping cart. Fathers who once relied on the admonishments of Depression-era parenting are suddenly buying little gifts for no good reason or giving a nod to TV before dinner.

The deaths of so many so suddenly were a tragic reminder of how precious life is, and it seems natural to try to make up for the disrupted routines, for the emotions that have left many feeling unmoored. As fear and gratitude rise in equal measure, rules and boundaries suddenly can seem arbitrary, unnecessary. One mother of a 9-year-old said she had refused her daughter’s request for a certain $50 backpack for her birthday, a backpack that she found herself buying Sept. 12. “I thought, this at least I can give you,” she said.

Bertha Ruiz, a mother of two boys, 15 and 8, says she recently found herself buying Twinkies and cupcakes, items she usually passes by. “I’m definitely buying them more little treats. I think, ‘Why not?”’ Wendy Echmann says she took her two daughters, 6 and 3, out for ice cream an unprecedented number of times in the first week after the attacks, to distract them and soothe everyone’s shattered nerves. “I wanted to get them away from the TV,” she said, “and also to show them that good things still go on.”

But she and her husband have not tried to sugarcoat the tragedy itself--the girls have accompanied their parents to a blood drive and a food drive, and made ribbons to show the family’s support of the survivors and this country. According to psychologist Robert Butterworth, indulging children is a very natural reaction to the trauma of the last weeks and the anxiety of the coming days. “We should indulge them,” he says. “Look at the world they’re facing. Look at the questions they’re having to ask.”

Ice cream cones, nice birthday gifts, even sugary cereal are all expressions of love, he said. “We’re trying to make up in our behaviors for what has happened,” he said, “which is what we should do as parents.” That doesn’t mean letting the kids run wild or substituting things for what is really needed--a parent’s time and attention.

“We can’t get over this unless we talk about it,” he says, “and kids won’t talk about it unless you make time to talk with them--not at them-- with them.”

But an ice cream cone and a hug may be just what the doctor ordered right now.

Bill Davis and his wife have two friends who miraculously avoided harm in the attacks--one woman worked in the World Trade Center but had decided to go in late, and another just missed boarding one of the doomed flights out of Boston. In their relief, Davis said, “we reevaluated things and have been a little more gentle, a little more lenient with everyone, especially the kids.” While they haven’t done any power-shopping at Toys R Us yet, Davis says, his 6-year-old daughter has gotten to watch a lot more Disney movies. But most important, he said, they are checking in with them, emotionally.

The older two, at 12 and 6, have talked about what happened--Davis worked on a book report with his 12-year-old son about the attacks--but at 2, their youngest was not able to articulate the images he saw and the tension in the house during the first few days. When he began acting up, Davis and his wife decided to keep him home from day care for a couple of days. “We’re being much more careful about what he’s seeing,” he said, “and much more careful about their feelings.”

Peggy Tarwater, a lawyer, was sent home the day of the attacks and subsequently took a day and a half off to be with her son. “I thought I was bringing up a child in a secure world,” says Tarwater, the mother of a 2-year-old. “That’s gone now, and all I want to do is be with him.”

Although she usually preaches moderation when it comes to toys, she recently found herself in a toy store making a fairly large purchase.

“You just want to love them so much, especially now,” she said.

Other parents say they are hugging and holding more, and longer than usual, sometimes to the discomfort of older kids. “My 15-year-old doesn’t like it too much,” says Ruiz. “I’m always hugging them, but now even more.”

As the mother of a 3-year-old, Dottie Enrico completely sympathizes with the parental urge to lavish children with treats and time. But as the editor of https://Americanbaby.com, she advises against anything that radically disrupts a child’s normal schedule.

“Even positive attention, when it’s unusually effusive, can be damaging,” she says. “For kids, especially very young kids, the comfort of the ordinary is the most comforting thing of all.”

And though an ice cream or an extra video is not going to hurt anyone, any impulse born of fear should be quashed.

“Even though it’s tempting, if it feels desperate at all, avoid it,” she says. “We’re trying to provide some small blanket of security, and that’s natural. But the best thing for kids is what’s normal.”