Guy Walks Into an HMO...

It’s open enrollment season--the time of year when you can switch from one frustrating health plan to another frustrating health plan. So, though I’d like to present some medical jokes with non-HMO themes (What’s the difference between a urologist and a plastic surgeon? There’s a vas deferens!), I’ll try to stick to the topic.

Maybe you suspect that your HMO is overly concerned with the bottom line? Keep your eyes peeled for “five ways that you know you joined a cheap HMO,” including:

* Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicle.

* Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

* You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in. (That one is at https://www.webcom.com/mdtaxes/humor.html.)

Or perhaps you’re wondering how an orchestra would be run if HMO rules applied. Find out at “Managed Care Meets the Symphony,” (https://dacc.bsd.uchicago.edu/humor/symphony.html).

“All 12 violins were playing identical notes with identical motions,” notes the orchestra director’s report of a performance of Schubert’s “Unfinished” Symphony. “This is unnecessary duplication: The staff of this section should be cut drastically with consequent savings.”

The “director” also notes that there’s no point bothering playing 16th notes because most people can’t distinguish them: Round ‘em off to the nearest eighth and you can use less skilled players. Also, “No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns the same passage that has already been handled by the strings.” Getting rid of such redundancy, he calculates, would cut the running time of the symphony from two hours to 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, guess how many nurses it takes to change a lightbulb in an HMO? Only one, but it needs a pre-auth before it can be done. (That, I’ll admit, was indefensibly weak. Maybe dealing with HMOs deadens the wit.)

You can find more HMO and health care jokes at https://www.laryngospasms.com/medhumor.htm, which provides links to a whole passel of them. Or, if you prefer your irony set to a tune, check out Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Blues Band (https://www.managedmusic.com). Dr. Sam (a retired doctor) gets toes tapping at health care meetings with classics like “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Blue Shield,” “You’re One Hip Mama (‘Cause They Won’t Pay for Two)” and “I’d Love to Kiss You Baby, but I Just Came Across Your Medical Records on the Internet.”

Dr. Sam isn’t the only health care worker who moved into music-making. I recently had the honor of talking with a longtime member of the famous Laryngospasms. You know, the Laryngospasms, that band of Minnesota nurse anesthetists who sing lively songs about their profession--numbers like “Devil With the Blue Scrubs,” “Mr. Gasman,” and “C.R.N.A.” (or “certified registered nurse anesthetist,” to the tune of “YMCA” by the Village People).

I called a number listed on the Laryngospasms’ Web site (https://www.laryngospasms.com) and asked to speak to a member of the band. “Yes, my husband is a member of the ‘Spasms,” said a sweet voice on the line. (I like that. We have the Stones, we have the Mode--as in Depeche Mode--why not the ‘Spasms?)

Doug Meuwissen, who’s been with the band for 10 years, says that all five members work as nurse anesthetists for a living, that the group does gigs at drug company and anesthetist conventions, and that (“kind of like Crosby, Stills and Nash or something”) the band keeps going because the following just doesn’t seem to fade.

Meuwissen kindly sang us a few lines of “The Intubation” (set to the tune of “The Locomotion”) before bursting into a rousing rendition of “Boards Will Be Wild” (as in “Born to Be Wild” by Steppenwolf.)

*

Tearing up the library

Studying till two

Gonna pass my boards now

Know just what I gotta do ...

Yeah, darling, gonna make it happen

Getting all my facts into place ...

*

It’s not exactly poetry, but it has a certain raw energy. You won’t fall asleep to it.

*

If you have an idea for a Booster Shots topic, write Rosie Mestel at the Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st. St., Los Angeles, CA 90012, rosie.mestel@latimes.com.