In Theory, You + Me = Destiny
As Valentine’s Day looms, many of us are mulling and musing: “How much do I love him? How much does she love me? Are we right for each other? Will it work out?” We should all stop obsessing and get scientific.
There are “love scales” to measure that kind of thing--and equations, flow charts, Venn Diagrams, a passel of different-shaped triangles and symbols. This I learned by flipping through the 383 pages of “The Psychology of Love” (Yale University Press, 1988) and The Encyclopedia of Human Emotions (Macmillan Reference USA, 1999)--which summarize the history of love research.
Want to know if your dalliance with that handsome chap will wither on the vine or flower like a rose in June? Try plopping various numbers into the “Byrne reinforcement model of interpersonal attraction” (the formula shown in the accompanying illustration) where PR=positive reinforcement, NR=negative reinforcement, and Y=attraction. (Love flourishes, says the formula, when we are rewarded for loving.)
Then there’s Yale University psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. It measures what Sternberg deems love’s three essential ingredients: passion, intimacy and decision/commitment. And it tells you how well your triangle matches your partner’s. Poets have been emoting about love for eons, but psychologists only got serious about studying it in the early 1970s, when University of Michigan graduate student Zick Rubin created the first psychological scale for romantic love--a questionnaire that measured how much in love someone was--that was used in later studies of hundreds of students. Since then, though, there’s been an explosion of love research, and a literature peppered with more definitions of love than you can shake a stick at--making for mighty confusing reading. Sigmund Freud believed feelings of love sprouted out of unfulfilled sexual desire. Others have tried to tally how many types and styles of love there are and have viewed love through many a lens:
* As an attachment very similar to what babies feel for their parents. Scholars cite long lists of similar behavior between moms and babies and between a doting couple--the propensity to coo at each other, stare adoringly into each other’s eyes, to get anxious when apart.
* As a physiological reaction--arousal--caused by release of chemicals like adrenalin. Such arousal is also caused by other emotions like fear, excitement and anger. Psychologists have designed lots of wacky-sounding experiments to test their theories. In one, men crossing either an unsafe, rickety bridge or a safe, stable bridge were met by an attractive woman who gave her phone number. Men crossing the rickety bridge were more likely to call the woman, as if their arousal from fear had “primed” them for passion. Other studies showed that men are more likely to feel strong emotions toward women if they’ve just exercised, been insulted or listened to comedy routines.
* As an evolved mechanism to help people reproduce. By this way of thinking--since raising a child is expensive but sperm is plentiful--women want men with resources to help raise their kids while men want to impregnate as many women as they can. Thus, women should fall for men with money (and men should make a big point of flaunting “displays” like Rolex watches and flashy cars) while men will court women who are youthful and presumably fertile (explaining the booming cosmetics industry).
* As a learned response. If something’s associated with good feelings, you learn to like it and seek it. (Just like Pavlov’s dogs learned to associate food with ringing bells.) Thus, some authors in the ‘70s advised wives to greet husbands with slippers, martinis and spotless homes to make them associate coming home to the wife with pleasant things.
* As an undesirable addiction. The passionate love idealized by Hollywood is bad news, argued some psychologists. It blots out the world just as lust for heroin does to a junkie--and similar chemicals and brain regions could be fueling both behaviors. Prescriptions offered by experts for those prone to obsessive love: Get involved in worthy occupations. Be loyal to friends. And read a daily newspaper.
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If you have an idea for a Booster Shots topic, write or e-mail Rosie Mestel at the Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st. St., Los Angeles, CA 90012, rosie.mestel@latimes.com.
