this Sports Is More Than a Stone’s Throw Away

So, you’ve seen it on MSNBC and now you’d like to take up curling. How does one go about that?

Well, it might be inconvenient, but the easiest way is probably to move to Canada, where curling clubs abound--there are about 1.2 million participants--and the sport sometimes outdraws hockey on TV.

Don’t want to leave the country? There’s always the Midwest. Curling in this country is pretty much done there, also at clubs, although this country’s number only about 130. Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan and Ohio have most of them.

You say you want to stay home and curl in Southern California? Good luck.

You can try the Yellow Pages for curling clubs, but chances are you won’t find any, which leaves this as strictly a do-it-yourself project.

The first thing you need is a sheet of ice, 145 feet long, 15 feet 71/2 inches wide, with concentric-circle targets at either end. If your backyard pool is long and skinny, you could try freezing it, then painting in the targets.

OK, assuming you’ve somehow got the ice sheet, you’ll need proper curling equipment--special shoes, one with a slippery sole, one with a gripper; 42-pound granite stones with handles, and a brush broom. The broom should be no problem, because brooms are widely available. The rocks and shoes can be found at your nearest curling-supplies store, which in L.A.’s case, might be in Bemidji. Hey, you’re the one who wants to curl.

Assuming further that you’ve got all this stuff, you now need proper clothing. Lots of curlers affect a Scottish look, wearing tams and tartans, because curling is of Scottish origin, but the main thing is to dress warm in loose clothing. This is a winter sport, after all.

Great, you’ve got your gear together, you’re properly dressed, nothing left to do but to do it. To the pool, er, ice sheet!

Oh, no! Look, it’s 80 degrees out! The ice has melted! Nuts, now we can’t curl!

You know, much like bowling, curling has an unwritten rule: If you don’t drink, you can’t curl. But there’s no such rule as: If you don’t curl, you can’t drink. So let’s just sit here by the pool and have a glass of Chardonnay. Maybe later, when the ice has melted, we’ll take a dip.

Mike Kupper