Anthem Changed to ‘Woe, Canada’

A Salt Lake Winter Olympic scandal involving a controversial figure skating decision, an internal investigation by the International Skating Union and a Chinese judge suddenly and mysteriously taking ill?

How quaint.

No under-the-table freebies? No behind-closed-door gratuities? Just an old-fashioned squabble over who really won the pairs gold medal, coupled with accusations of political back-scratching and bloc voting?

It’s enough to make you misty-eyed, and you don’t even have to be Canadian.

All of Canada was in mourning Tuesday after favorite son and daughter David Pelletier and Jamie Sale finished second to the Russian team despite the hysterical protestations of NBC analysts Sandra Bezic and Scott Hamilton--who, it needs to be noted, don’t have a vote in the matter.

“Robbed!” declared the headline of Tuesday’s Ottawa Star.

“Canucks golden fleeced,” seconded the Toronto Star.

And perhaps they were. But let’s put aside all the rumors of backstage dealings and “Survivor”-type alliances for a moment and break the matter down to its required-element essence:

You skate to the theme from “Love Story,” you deserve whatever you get.

You can say the judges from Russia, China, Poland and Ukraine--who favored the Russian team of Elena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze--were protecting their geopolitical interests.

You can speculate that the French judge--who also went for the Russians--was swapping a thumbs-up here for a return favor down the line in ice dancing.

Or you can say the judges were simply fulfilling their moral responsibility as arbiters of good taste.

Do we really want “Love Story” winning the gold medal?

Shouldn’t the top step of the Olympic podium be reserved for something more, ahem, sophisticated than two Canadian skaters throwing pretend snowballs at one another, reenacting the infamous snowball fight from the Ali McGraw-Ryan O’Neal shlockfest?

Is it any wonder the Chinese judge took ill and withdrew from Tuesday’s men’s short program?

An especially strong stomach was needed for that one. Unless you like your male Olympic medal contenders dressed like comic book superheroes, St. Valentine’s Day cards or the produce section of your local supermarket.

Russia’s Alexei Yagudin, the favorite in the competition, skated out looking like the wrong man in the wrong place. I double-checked the official program.

No, this wasn’t the audition for the black-and-white version of “Spider-Man.”

Ukrainian Dmitri Dmitrenko followed shortly after, looking like the unfortunate victim of a head-on collision with a downtown florist’s cart. At least Evgeni Plushenko, Yagudin’s countryman

and probable second-place finisher,

dressed appropriately for the occasion: silver.

By comparison, Americans Timothy Goebel and Todd Eldredge were understated--a good thing from a sartorial standpoint, if not the overall standings. Goebel emerged from the evening in decent shape--ahead of Plushenko, behind Yagudin and Japan’s Takeshi Honda, good enough for third place. Eldredge, however, botched his first combination and fell on his next jump, squandering any slim medal hopes he might have entertained, unless he makes a deal with a French judge.

Veteran’s Day, it was not. Eldredge, 30 and famously conservative, tried to think young, tried to boldly venture out of character--and promptly fell right on his quad. Elvis Stojko, a month shy of his 30th birthday, wound up in seventh place, two slots ahead of Eldredge. Earlier, in the downhill, Picabo Street, who turns 31 in April, pushed her surgically scarred knees through one more run--and finished 16th, just before announcing her retirement.

These Olympics, they belong to the young (unless you count the figure skating judges, who are fairly old.) U.S. speedskaters Casey FitzRandolph, 27, and Kip Carpenter, 22, finished 1-3 in the men’s 500 meters. Along with Derek Parra’s silver in the 5,000, the United States has three medals in three speedskating events, four years after the American men went 0-for-Nagano.

Meanwhile, up in Park City, it was a tale of men and moguls and a maneuver made famous by 1998 Olympic champion Jonny Moseley, a 720-degree barrel roll known in freestyle skiing as The Dinner Roll.

“Jonny, Save Freestyle,” read one supporter’s handwritten sign at the Deer Valley Resort. “Put Some Butta On The Dinner Roll.”

Moseley did what he could, playing to the crowd, putting on “a good show,” as he put it--nailing his trademark jump, at the expense of his overall finish. The Dinner Roll, while tasty, accounted only 12.5% of Moseley’s final score. Speed counts for 25%, and Moseley wasted precious seconds with his audience-pleaser.

“I feel like the people who really know the sport will consider what I did today as very bold and legendary,” Moseley said.

The judges thought differently, however. Moseley finished the day in fourth place, behind winner Janne Lahtela of Finland and U.S. teammate Travis Mayer, who took the silver.

Lesson to be gained on the mountain Tuesday:

Man does not live by the Dinner Roll alone.