Smell of Victory, Miracle of the Feet

Do you believe in miracles?

They do Down Under, now that Steven Bradbury has broken a 66-year drought by winning Australia’s first Winter Olympic gold medal with a performance in Saturday’s men’s 1,000-meter short-track speedskating final that was positively Biblical: He who is last shall be first.

Bradbury, a good 20 meters behind the pack entering the final turn, kept his distance--and, more significantly, kept his feet--while American Apolo Anton Ohno and the rest of the field wiped out 50 yards from the finish, allowing the back-drafting, slacking Aussie to ease home with the gold.

It was a classic Olympic moment, deserving of a classic Olympic broadcasting call.

Good thing Roy and H.G. were here.

Australian comedians Roy Slaven and H.G. Nelson became media stars at the 2000 Summer Games in Sydney with their rollicking nightly Olympic satire, “The Dream,” which featured a rogue Olympic mascot named “Fatso The Fat-Arsed Wombat” and Greco-Roman wrestling footage set to a sampling of Barry White’s greatest hits.

They’ve brought the same format and skewed sensibility to Salt Lake, sending nightly “Ice Dream” dispatches back to Australia’s television audience. Here is how Roy and H.G. called Bradbury’s slow glide to history:

H.G.: “Let’s follow the Bradbury tilt. They start, away. Steven drops back into the traditional Australian position in this event. He can smell the field well in front of him. Ohno and, of course, the wily Canadian up front of him. Steve’s in good position, he can see the field. What’s his tactic here, Roy?”

Roy: “H.G., he’s just hoping there’s a lot of geese in front of him. A lot of really stupid [geese], that’s what he’s hoping. The further he gets back the sillier they look.”

Lap after lap, Bradbury continues to solidify his hold on last place. To the casual observer, the Australian looks hopelessly outclassed by the field. But Roy and H.G., they are experts in their field, they can see what’s brewing.

Roy: “Look, he is saving himself. He’s got something special there.”

H.G.: “Do you think he’s tired of smelling the field, Roy? Or do you think he can take a little bit longer? He doesn’t want to make his move too soon, we’re down to two laps to go.”

Roy: “No, he’s got to go further back! ‘Further back, Steve! Further back!’”

H.G.: “Does he look tired to you?”

Roy: “He doesn’t look tired, no, he’s holding it all back.”

H.G.: “He’s holding the smell. There’s so much, he can’t get any closer, Roy. One lap to go. We’re into the final lap, it looks like Ohno making a tilt.”

Roy: “Look how stupid they are.”

H.G.: “There’s a fall! They’re all down! Steven came through.”

Roy: “Oh yes.”

H.G.: “As we watch in replay, the geese fall for the three-card trick in the front.”

Roy: “See, they’ve got no technique--no technique. If you’re not on your feet, you can’t win.”

H.G.: “They talk about a miracle on ice in 1980. I’ve seen another miracle on ice tonight.”

It must be noted that “The Ice Dream” is tape-delayed.

But then, so is NBC. Believe it or not, impressive things can be done with canned Olympic footage.

The difference is: NBC exists to trumpet the greatness of the Olympic Movement; Roy and H.G. are here to slip it a whoopee cushion.

A few hours before the taping of their Sunday night show, the co-hosts took some time to reflect on the Salt Lake Games at the midway point.

* The Great Pairs Figure Skating Controversy: “The Olympic Games has not necessarily been the greatest place for fair play,” H.G. said. “Which is fine, Roy Jones Jr. notwithstanding.

“When it comes it ice skating, it does appear historically there has been a bit of collusion on the judging panel. A ‘you can have one, we can have another one’ sort of thing. I’m not surprised that has happened.

“What’s tricky about it now is that they’ve sort of acknowledged that it happens--and the way that we deal with it is giving more medals.”

* Salt Lake City: “It’s sweet white bread,” Roy said. “And that’s about it. If sweet white bread is your taste, then you’d settle down here.

“But if you like a little sourdough every now and again, or something with a little bit of variety, a bit of brown bread, you’re going to have to go elsewhere....

“I don’t know what kids 14 to 19 do here. I have no idea. It must be similar to how things were when we were kids in the ‘50s and ‘60s in outback Australia, in rural Australia. Bored [stiff]. I imagine they would be bored [stiff].

“But it’d be more excruciating for them because television beams in images of excitement and an alternative way of living that is denied them here.”

* Australia’s first Winter Olympic gold medal: “It could have happened in a slightly different way and been anti-climactic,” H.G. said.

“But the fact that everybody fell over and he managed to stay on his feet seems to ... there’s something great about it. It’s not partially [messed up]. The whole thing is [messed up]. But he manages to win.”

Roy said there hasn’t been anything like it at the Winter Olympics “apart from the 1980 Miracle On Ice. But I didn’t think that was a miracle.”

H.G.: “Only in hindsight was that a miracle.”

Roy: “Well, Saturday night we saw a genuine miracle. A genuine miracle!”

H.G: “And probably only possible in Salt Lake City.”