Here’s Something to Smile About, if Only You Could

I’ve been reading up on botulism. Apparently, it’s a good thing.

It’s funny how stuff comes full circle. Most of my life I considered the disease to be one of those it was best to avoid. I’m not sure where I got this. It probably had something to do with the fact that botulism, caused by a toxic bacterium, cannot only result in death but, worse, vomiting.

These days, botulism is experiencing an image make-over. This is because botulinum toxin is used to produce a substance called Botox. Botox is kind of like Wite-Out for your face.

When it is injected near wrinkles, it makes them go away. It does this by paralyzing the muscles that cause life’s creases. A good Botox job can make a 70-year-old look like a 30-year-old--with blue hair.

The downside of Botox is that while it can make your face smooth as a baby’s behind, it also leaves your face with the same ability to express emotion as a baby’s behind.

If you have access to a teenager, you are no doubt well acquainted with this look.

A reporter for the New York Times recently wrote that because of Botox: “It is now rare in certain social enclaves to see a woman over the age of 35 with the ability to look angry.”

Movie directors have also complained that as a result of Botox, certain actresses have the facial dexterity of Steven Wright.

In fairness, there are advantages to being Botoxed: It enables you to apply makeup simply, rather than having to Spackle it on. It makes it a lot easier to keep a straight face when listening to the boss.

If you’re a man, it allows you to claim that you are, in fact, showing emotion. And then, there’s the matter of poker.

Having said that, I’m not going to be joining the Botox nation any time soon.

Call me old-fashioned, but I kind of think your mug should give people a clue as to where you’ve been and, just as important, how much longer you’re likely to be here.

Plus, there’s the unpleasantness of a doctor sticking needles in your face every three months or so.

Which brings up the oops factor. Suppose the needle misses its mark and paralyzes your brain. That could be a real problem, you know, in some cases.

Personally, I’d like to see Botox put to more practical uses. I’m just thinking out loud here, but why not market Botox as a sleeping aid? You come up with a way to paralyze aging kidneys for a seven- or eight-hour stretch, and I’m at the front of the line.