Hand Games Back to Kids

Many parents are sprinting out of the blocks in the race sponsored by the billion-dollar industry of youth sports. Forget values, enjoyment and important life skills children can benefit from. We invest time, money and ego into Junior’s athletic future, often with the same strategy used to manage a 401(k) plan. This money-market excitement is caused by the latest phenomenon: result-based parenting.

Should we invest him in the most aggressive funds and hope for the jackpot, even if there’s a chance we could lose it all? The better option is to invest our spirited youngsters in “steady, mutual funds.”

The trouble begins when competitive parents begin to perceive diminishing returns on their investment. Recently, parents in Newport Beach threatened to sue because their daughters didn’t make the cheerleading squad. They were disappointed after “investing thousands of dollars” in private cheerleading coaches and camps.

One parent said her daughter had missed out on a “life-defining moment.” Surviving cancer, the joy of a new baby, losing a loved one in the World Trade Center, absolutely! But not making a team? I don’t think so. Tears and disappointment perhaps, but not life-defining.

As parental expectations skyrocket, the risk of combustion ignites. A Massachusetts father was sentenced to six to 12 years for killing a fellow hockey dad. “Remember hockey is supposed to be fun, but it’s just a game,” he wrote to his son, after sentencing. Last summer, parents brawled on a soccer field in San Juan Capistrano.

If parents exercised more restraint, we’d recognize how sports provide a safe place to practice the real game of life.

We love our children, and it’s hard to watch them fail. Although it is more fun to win, we can’t rob them of their chance to build resiliency when things get rough. The more practice a child gets dealing with life’s disappointments, the better he or she will become at handling them. Why not learn when the consequences are relatively small, and a child has the safety net of home and family?

Darrell Burnett, a clinical and sports psychologist in Orange County, wrote a book called “It’s Only a Game.” He explains a strange “reversed self-esteem” that takes place. “When our kids are young, we say nice things to make them feel good, then when they’re older, they accomplish things to make us feel good,” he has said.

Burnett says Orange County is considered the “land of champions,” where parents have more money to invest in year-round athletics.

Our identity gets built upon how well our children perform. When our kids commit an error, we commit an error. When our kids lose, we lose. And when they win, boy are we hot!

The focus on fun gets stripped away when an overemphasis is placed on winning and achieving prescribed goals. According to the National Youth Sports Alliance, 20 million youngsters sign up for organized sports each year, but by age 13, 74% quit and never play these sports again.

The No. 1 reason stated: It’s no longer any fun.

We have fabulous programs locally, many that are taking a proactive stand. For example, the American Youth Soccer Organization created Kids Zone to make a safe place for kids to play, with hundreds of coaches and volunteers working hard to create a positive environment.

The focus needs to shift from results to smiles, high-fives and Rice Krispie treats. Maybe throw in a pinata for collateral damage. Basically we need to lighten up. It doesn’t matter if an 11-year-old throws a 60-mph fastball if he doesn’t like baseball anymore. Results-based parenting is tainting our children’s activities, and it’s the little guys paying the price.

Ultimately our goal is for our children to be happy, responsible and independent.

The real tragedy is to have an adult child, living at home, unable to press on because she missed her life-defining moment when she was 17.

Let’s hand the games back to our children. After all, they’re the only experts in the field of play.