Dealing With Others’ Illness Is Tough for Children
Watching a friend or family member struggle with a serious illness is painful for everyone, but it’s especially difficult if you’re a child.
“It’s hard for a kid to know what’s OK to feel,” says Dr. Margaret Stuber, a psychiatry professor at UCLA.
Children can have many reactions, the most common ones being grief and anger.
Though it’s natural to be sad and worried about the patient, especially in the case of an ill parent, some kids also become mad that regular routines have been disrupted. A birthday party or holiday celebration may be canceled, for example, because Mom or Dad is in the hospital.
“It’s important to find someone to talk to about all your feelings, who’s not going to be hurt by them,” Stuber says. “It’s perfectly normal to feel angry, but it’s not a good idea to yell at the person who’s sick.”
She recommends talking to another relative, a friend, religious leader, teacher or school counselor, especially if the feelings are interfering with your studies. For some kids, school is a comfort, the one place where life still is normal; others have trouble concentrating on their work.
Also, kids are sometimes embarrassed about how their sick family member looks and may not know how to handle questions from curious friends. In this case, Stuber suggests asking a teacher to help explain the situation to the class.
Visiting a patient in the hospital may be stressful for children. Having a grown-up tell you what to expect can be helpful, so you know ahead of time what you will see.
Some kids are anxious that they will have to entertain the sick person or have to help them feel better, but Stuber emphasizes that’s not a kid’s responsibility. And kids shouldn’t worry about buying flowers or presents.
“Just your being there and showing that you care about them is going to be a wonderful gift,” says Stuber.
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Kids and other readers can e-mail Emily Dwass at emilydwass@yahoo.com. Kid Health runs the third Monday of the month. Next month’s topic: Kids and calcium.