It Takes a Lot of Work to Be This Unproductive

“You never do anything around the house.” If ever there was a declaration designed to ruin a perfectly good Saturday afternoon nap, that has to be it.

And you know what? It’s dead wrong--for the obvious reason.

By taking a nap, I am doggedly confining myself to a small area, thereby not messing up larger areas that would then require more extensive cleaning.

So when you are totaling up who does how much, in fairness, should I not get credit for inactivity, it being, in essence, a form of preventive housework?

(I went to law school for nine straight days right after college. I’m still recovering.)

I’ve been reading this study done by the University of Michigan about how much housework women do as opposed to men. The report contains both good news and bad.

On the one hand, it concludes, and I quote: “U.S. husbands are doing more housework while wives are doing less.”

On the other hand, the study also points out that women still do more housework than men--27 hours a week--while men are only getting credit for 16 hours.

The problem with these kinds of studies, of course, is that they only deal in quantity, not quality.

For example, it is estimated that 80% of the dirt that comes into the home can be captured on mats or rugs situated at points of entry.

So, if a man were to take charge of vacuuming these mats and rugs, he would, in effect, be responsible for collecting 80% of the dirt that enters the home.

But how long would this take, a few minutes at most? Which is all the housework time he would be credited with.

Conversely, a woman who vacuumed the entire home would be credited with hours of housework, even though she was only accounting for 20% of the dirt.

Thus, the male is being penalized for being efficient, while the female is being rewarded for inefficiency.

Another thing that is unfair when computing the division of household labor is the question of just what constitutes housework.

Isn’t mowing the lawn the same as vacuuming the carpet?

Isn’t changing the oil the same as changing the child?

Is wearing the same underwear for two or three days not the same as doing laundry?

What about those times during the middle of the night when a suspicious noise downstairs must be checked? Should a man not be fairly compensated for the time he spends worrying until his wife returns?

In summation, I say the only logical conclusion to be drawn here is that the American male is not being afforded his due. But then, what else is new?

The defense rests.

Jim Shea is a columnist for the Hartford Courant, a Tribune company.