It’s Guilt by Association When the Neighbors Meet

Minutes of the Homeowners Assn. Meeting, Dec. 18, 2003

Guests: Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Rowe

Call to Order: 7:45 p.m.

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Opening remarks, introduction of guests and guest presentations:

Harvey Rowe presented a draft resolution condemning his next-door neighbors, Brian and Jane Johnson, for installing outdoor lights in their garden. Considerable discussion ensued, during which it was determined that the Johnsons’ lights were not visible if you didn’t climb over their fence and then crawl underneath some thick ficus. However, Lena Rowe reminded the board that the Johnsons did not first seek the required approval of the Neighborhood Outdoor Lighting Committee. Mr. Rowe offered to hire some men to enter the Johnsons’ garden at night, remove the offending lights and perhaps even “rough up Brian a little.” This suggestion was voted down 6 to 5 with three abstentions.

Old business:

Bob announced that the Fall Fundraiser had raised more than $8,500. Mr. Rowe requested that part of the proceeds be used to cover medical costs for Mrs. Rowe, who has been severely constipated since the Johnsons installed their outdoor lights. Board President Marty Dunne offered to consider this request. He also gave the Rowes the name of the nutritionist he used after Dave Sloan hung a “God Bless America” sign on his garage.

New business:

Alice Hobbs tried to discuss beautification plans for the town square but was interrupted by Mr. Rowe, who read a letter that he had received from Councilman Haverman supporting the idea of harassing the Johnsons until they moved out. The letter’s authenticity was questioned by several members, but Mrs. Rowe swore on a stack of Bibles that it was genuine. Mr. Rowe then presented a study in which some cute puppies had been electrocuted by chewing on outdoor lighting wiring. Mrs. Rowe passed around a picture of Italian dictator Benito Mussolini standing next to what appeared to be an outdoor light. The board then briefly discussed the efficiency of Italy’s rail service.

Treasurer’s report:

Jim Carmel made a valiant attempt to present the November treasurer’s report but was knocked out by a wine glass thrown by an irate Mrs. Rowe. The glass was intended for Marty, who was resisting a measure to have the Johnsons’ house razed. Several board members suggested a compromise, perhaps having the Johnsons’ Chevy Suburban stolen or their dog killed. Marty offered to write a resolution declaring the Johnsons a threat to the community and an affront to decent folk the world over, and Dave Danbury offered to place medical waste in the Johnson children’s sandbox. Both actions were approved unanimously by the board.

Special thanks to Cindy Marsden for the pecan squares.

Adjournment at 10:11 p.m.