The Big Get
The following are excerpts from Saddam Hussein’s mailbag:
Dear Mr. Hussein:
I believe I speak for millions upon millions of Americans when I say, “Who are you?” “Why are you?” And finally, “Why are you who you are?” Mr. Hussein, these questions will not go away. Which is why I am here to offer you an opportunity to be interviewed by me, on NBC, in a time slot of your choosing, except after “Friends” (they’d be happy to preempt “Scrubs,” however).
Mr. Hussein, I don’t know if you caught my piece on the Smart family of Utah (maybe not -- I understand you had to move around a lot in recent months!). If you didn’t, I can send you a tape. You will see the level of care and respect I bring to the serious task of interviewing (you will also see Elizabeth Smart riding a horse. Do you have a horse? If not, one can be provided).
Mr. Hussein, between you and me, the 436th time I saw you on TV, being examined by that U.S. military doctor after your capture, I saw something other than an evil, brutal dictator. I’ll admit it, for a while I saw the evil, brutal dictator, but then I began to see you, Mr. Hussein, a man with a tongue depressor in his mouth saying, “Aaaah.” I presume you have more to say than “Aaaaah.” So say it to me.
Sincerely,
Katie Couric, “The Today Show”
P.S. I’m best reachable on my cell.
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Dear Mr. Hussein:
First let me apologize on behalf of my colleague, Katie Couric. When I learned she had written to you to request an interview, I literally had to hand the phone to my Pilates instructor, so appalled was I. I’m afraid that the competitive nature of our business breeds brazen, tasteless gambits like Ms. Couric’s letter to you. I must say I was shocked (but not awed!).
Sir, I’ll tell you a secret: You have become what we in the business of news call “The Big Get.” As one who has sent six letters, four telegrams, two balloon grams, a pinball machine and a Happy Meal to Michael Jackson, I know my way around this game.
Sincerely,
Diane Sawyer,
“Prime Time Thursday”
P.S. I’m best reachable on my cell.
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Dear Saddam:
So I heard about Katie and Diane. I know you wouldn’t go behind my back if you did arrange to talk. All during the war I kept thinking about that lovely tea set you once showed me. Remember?
Yours,
Barbara Walters, “20/20”
P.S. I’m best reachable on my cell.
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Dear Hussein:
Lemme be clear: I don’t like you. Never have, never will. But I’ve been in this business long enough to know you can’t always choose your enemies (which reminds me of that old Jack Benny joke, about how a mugger comes up to Benny on the street, sticks a gun at his stomach and says, “Your money or your life.” And Benny says nothing. And the mugger finally goes, “Well?” And Benny says, “I’m thinking, I’m thinking.”).
See, that’s something I’d like to ask you, Hussein. When you were finally pulled out of that spider hole, were you thinking more about the money or your life? Other things on my mind: Did the beard itch after a while? How many people did you kill? And you enjoyed that? Let’s say I’m in Baghdad, it’s 11:30, and I’m hungry. Can I get a bite? Also, it’s the first night of the war, a bomb might fall on your head. What’s that feel like? You see “Master and Commander”? Film of the year, in my opinion.
As we like to say out here, have your lawyer call my lawyer.
Larry King, “Larry King Live”
P.S. Most mornings, I’m best reachable at Nate ‘n Al’s.
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Dear Mr. Hussein:
“Entertainment Tonight” has learned that America invaded your country and ousted you as leader. We have exclusive video of bombs falling on Baghdad as well as never-before-seen footage of you being examined by a doctor. In addition, President Bush told “ET” that “He’s a deceiver, he’s a liar, he’s a torturer, he’s a murderer,” speaking of you.
“ET” has further learned that Iraq is a country in the Middle East, where apparently there is unrest, and that you were its dictator for a number of years. You should know that “ET” contacted Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves and others for comment, and spokespeople for these stars confirmed that Iraq is in the Middle East and that you were its leader.
Tomorrow, only on “ET,” we will reveal these facts about where Iraq is and who you are to our viewers. Please call us immediately. Should you be willing to appear, “ET” would of course provide wardrobe, hair, makeup, transportation and a “Cold Mountain” gift bag, which includes a DVD of the trailer and my colleague Bob Goen’s exclusive on-set interview with stars Nicole Kidman and Jude Law.
Urgently,
Mary Hart, “Entertainment Tonight”
P.S. I’m best reachable through telepathic thought.
Paul Brownfield can be contacted at paul.brownfield@latimes.com.