Why Leave Financial Folly to the Big Boys?
These big-budget stories out of county government can be confounding, can’t they? The numbers are just so large, and the bureaucracy so intricate, that it’s hard to relate the county’s fiscal problems to your own household. Still, you wonder, how did those people let things get so out of whack? Doesn’t anybody over there have a calculator?
The startling numbers: Orange County’s planning department has finished in the red for 28 of the last 30 months; grossly underestimated its revenue; and exhausted a reserve fund of $17 million.
How is it possible to be that far off the mark?
Politicians always say that government should be run with the same care you apply to your personal finances. The planning department has set the mismanagement bar at an incredibly high level.
For you to have a fiscal performance as bad as theirs, your “Personal Financial Goals and Strategies” statement would look like this:
Get a 20-30% raise at work. Even though the boss and I haven’t exchanged a civil word in six months, play a hunch he’ll look past that and come through. A raise of this size will make up for those of the last seven years, which have averaged .09%.
Convince nephew to name me as beneficiary in his will. The boy is only 12 and in perfect health and has two parents, but he’s always liked me and flu season is supposed to be a bad one this year.
Spend more time at the track. Handicapping horse races isn’t as tough as people think. Commit one day each weekend to the track and bet only on horses with one-word names. When horse racing is not in season locally, use off-track betting or go to Las Vegas. If things don’t go well with ponies, try the dogs.
Transfer all money from savings to checking account. Maintaining money in a savings account is a sign of pessimism. It has a rainy-day aspect to it that prevents me from spending all available cash. Show some guts. Keep the money in checking account and don’t be afraid to run up some debt if the funds disappear.
Sell a screenplay. Movies get made all the time, so how tough can it be to write one? To catch attention of agent, indicate that most of “dialogue” will actually be in pantomime and that several of the featured performers will be animals.
Mom will hit the lottery. She’s been on a hot streak lately, and there’s no reason to think that’s going to change. Advise her not to confine her “play” to small amounts of money. Rather, tell her that plunking down $100 a week enhances her chance of success.
Become a day trader. Take a couple of hours off from work each day and play the stock market. On days I can’t get away, ask a neighbor to make some plays for me.
Meet a movie star. Lots of celebrities are lonely. Meet some who seem especially troubled and start hanging out with them. Eventually, they’ll probably start forking over some cash.
Rob a bank. Even though it seems like a risky venture and capture is always a possibility, many people get away with it. To be safe, check out other options first. Ask the teller if he or she could “spot me a few thousand bucks.”
Hold a fund-raiser. Get the word out in the neighborhood that I’m expanding my opportunities and ask for donations of $5 or less. People are more generous than you think.
Sell all possessions. They’re just things. A person can get a pretty penny for furniture, dishes and appliances.
Print your own money. Assuming you know how to do it, it’s the best way to regulate your cash flow in uncertain times.
*
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.