No Need to Light a Fire Under Deputy, Who’s Quick to Arrest 2 Nonsmokers

Today’s stupid-criminal tricks episode begins with an L.A. County sheriff’s deputy coming upon some men standing next to two parked cars on a mountain road. The deputy detected that the engine of one of the jalopies was “soaked with gasoline,” said the Star News, a department publication.

Asked for an explanation, one of the men said he had been filling the tank with gasoline and had, uh, spilled some.

Observing that the dripping gas container “was still in the back seat of the car, they had nine books of matches and not one of them smoked, sealed their fate,” the Star News said. The men were arrested for attempted arson.

Welcome to our Business Jubilee Edition: Yes, in honor of today’s daring entrepreneurs, we bring you some of the innovative approaches companies take to announce their presence (see accompanying):

* Jorge Kim saw a flier from a company whose opening evidently will be grand indefinitely.

* Bob Gutzman spotted a series of banners from a company where you’d better buy quickly because it apparently doesn’t like to stay in one place long.

* Joanna Ryder of Hermosa Beach noticed a launderer who had cleaned up his approach.

White House West: It’s not an easy time to be the president of the United States, so teacher Valerie Anne Bishop asked her third-grade students at San Rafael Elementary School in Pasadena how they might tackle a typical day.

Some excerpts:

* “In the morning, I will wake up and do my bed,” said Victor Sanchez.

* “I will go on the computer and then see how I could be a better president,” promised Leticia Nungaray.

* “In the afternoon ... I will see many people waiting for me to sign papers,” said Brian Estevez.

* “In the evening, I will call all the police, sheriffs and the freeway cops to bring all the people that are misbehaving,” vowed Manuel Gonzalez.

* “I will sleep in tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day,” said Jasmyn Vega.

But, before bed, Leticia Nungaray, obviously a fan of Bill Clinton, said: “I will see TV and eat junk food.”

Civic insults (cont.): After reading my recent list of quips about cities, Raul Blacksten commented that I should have included “Double Dubuque,” a long-ago jab at L.A. (that Dubuquers probably wouldn’t consider funny).

And Blacksten mentioned Gertrude Stein’s crack about Oakland: “There’s no there there.”

What’s worse, there ARE Raider fans there.

Feet, stop moving! The crime log of the Seal Beach Sun said that “a merchant reported that a man in his 40s was dancing in the store and would not leave.”

miscelLAny: It’s depressing enough that L.A. has such congested traffic.

But it must also lead the nation in billboards with depressing traffic themes, such as this one from an oil-change center on the Long Beach Freeway: “10, 405, 101 -- your car’s days are numbered.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083; by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012; and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.