Oh, brother! We’ve grown up and apart
Nick Meaney is about as far from and close to his brother as he can be.
He lives in Westwood, his brother in England. They call each other a couple of times a month, they trade letters and e-mails occasionally, and they see each other roughly once a year. But the expanse of land and ocean between them has gradually loosened the tight childhood ties formed by countless days of swim practices together and booting the soccer ball around until sundown.
“I’d like to be closer to him,” said Nick, 41, who moved to the United States 13 years ago seeking opportunity and adventure. “Even though you’ve got that innate fraternal connection, you eventually lose out, because over time and over distance things get lost and edited. You miss the day-to-day, the events that make up life.”
When it comes to adult siblings, absence -- imposed by geography -- typically doesn’t make the heart grow fonder or sibling bonds stronger. Instead, it usually weakens what is for most people the longest relationship of a lifetime. Although modern technology helps, sometimes remarkably so, there is still no substitute for proximity and face-to-face interactions.
As siblings increasingly scatter across the nation and the globe, many neglect to recalibrate their expectations for the sibling relationship, psychologists add. The result, as far-off brothers and sisters crash into each other’s lives and play catch-up, can be disappointment and a sense of loss.
“Living apart even a fair geographic distance has a big negative effect on a sibling relationship,” said Lynn White, a professor of sociology at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and one of only a handful of researchers who has examined the effect of geography on adult siblings. “It’s hard to expect very much. It’s just too inconvenient.”
But siblings expect a lot from the relationship because they want a lot. And their hopes don’t waver much, at least in the early years of separation, whether the sibling lives next door or halfway around the globe.
A close sibling relationship requires several key ingredients, said Victor Cicirelli, a professor of developmental psychology at Purdue University in Indiana. First, siblings need a feeling of intimacy and acceptance, someone they can enjoy simply hanging out with, without being on guard. Just as important, especially in later years, is the desire to reminisce about their unique shared history.
“Siblings like to go back and remember what Mom and Dad were really like, what their childhoods were really like,” said Cicirelli, who studies the course of sibling relationships over the life span. “This really gives them a better perspective on life and what’s valuable and what isn’t. It helps validate who they are and where they’ve been.”
But distance can frustrate these desires. It does so primarily by depriving siblings of one of the main engines of the relationship, something White calls “the exchange of goods and services.” These are things like providing an emergency ride to work, baby-sitting each other’s children, or lending a hand installing a new water faucet. They are instrumental, she said, and often are underestimated in their role in strengthening sibling connections. “If there are no exchanges, it’s entirely based on emotion, and that makes for a weaker relationship,” White said. “You need something to talk about.”
Distance, too, can foil attempts to reconcile the hurt, resentment and rivalry that often linger from childhood. Further, it can also hinder the sometimes-lengthy process of siblings coming to view each other as mature adults, not trapped in the roles they once played as children.
For instance, a fight among siblings who live in the same city can more easily be worked through face to face. Tempers cool, and another meeting can be arranged in hours or days. But a clash between siblings who see each other only once a year can make a cold relationship even colder.
“Living apart is a good way to avoid conflict,” said Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Indianapolis. “That’s the way some siblings like it.”
Another dynamic complicated by distance is when a sibling, usually an older one, has taken on some or all of the parental identity. This can happen in a variety of circumstances, ranging from a parent who has psychologically abandoned the children to an actual death. Under these circumstances, siblings often transfer their unresolved parental conflicts -- along with the heavy expectations -- to a sibling.
“We have the same reaction to the sibling who has assumed the parental role to some degree as we would to the parent,” White said. “Which is the feeling they aren’t doing as much for us as we think they should.”
Despite geography’s obvious relevance, there have been surprisingly few studies about its effect on sibling relationships. The reason is simple: After college graduation and before retirement, people are hard to track down.
Even so, adults with siblings between the ages of 24 and 60 aren’t total puzzlements to researchers. Other studies have shown adult sibling relationships usually follow a rough horseshoe pattern. Childhood and the golden years are usually the closest times for siblings. They have the time, desire and need to nourish the relationship.
However, the worst period, studies have demonstrated, is between the late teen years and the late 20s. At these times, siblings are establishing their independence and making their own way in the world. It’s usually during this period when siblings -- typically well educated and middle class or upward -- get jobs away from their family of origin.
It’s not all bad news, though, say researchers. Even though advanced degrees and affluence make it more likely that siblings will move away from each other, those same characteristics also make it easier to stay in touch through instant communication.
Cell phones, telephones and e-mail can go a long way to maintaining ties between siblings separated by large swaths of land or sea. Further, these same individuals are likely to have the financial resources to fly for occasional visits.
“It may not be as good as physical contact,” Cicirelli said. “But if one brother lives in Chicago and the other in Los Angeles, you can compensate pretty well with modern technology.”
“The biggest factor, though,” he added, “is probably the degree of desire to maintain the relationship.”
