Happy, Mr. Stamos, to show ya the ropes

Despite the fact that John Stamos doesn’t return my calls, I know he’s hurting. Great-looking TV stars have feelings too, just like us writers with average hair and questionable posture. Wouldn’t a pending divorce from Rebecca Romijn put a damper on your day? I’d stay in bed for a week, probably trying to figure out how I wound up marrying a model-actress in the first place.

Lucky for John, I’m here for him. No doubt devastated over the separation, he now has to re-enter the dating world for the first time since meeting his wife at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show in 1994. I never seem to meet models at Victoria’s Secret fashion shows. It’s hard to meet anyone after security guards catch you trying to sneak into the dressing rooms disguised as a janitor. But enough about my hobbies.

Here now is my letter of advice to the newly available actor, who started (much like I did) as the hot new guy on “General Hospital”:

Dear John,

Dude, I am so sorry to hear about you and Becky. She’s a terrific gal. I mean that. The other night, I saw her babbling on “The Tonight Show” (about what, I have no idea). Still, she looked great and maintained her charm and poise. But you already know that. I’m sure you saw the appearance as well, through your tears, probably drowning your sorrows in black cherry soda and Chinese takeout. Oh, wait a minute, that was me.

I assume you’re shaken, devastated and quite nervous about the prospect of trying to meet new women. Don’t be. It’s really not that hard.

First, please understand that “Full House,” while not the hippest sitcom of all time (hey, we can’t all be Jim Belushi), still struck a chord among many preteen girls -- many of whom are now of legal drinking age, quite beautiful and quite possibly looking for a handsome 40-year-old famous actor with a few bucks to burn.

You’ve no doubt heard how things have changed on the dating front since way back in the 20th century. Internet personals. Speed dates. Begging. Women in this town are very picky now. But John, don’t worry. Just be yourself. Strike up a conversation. Maybe open up with something like “Hi. I’m John Stamos, the actor. I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m newly single and looking to meet wildly attractive women completely unattainable to the average columnist.”

Hey, I’ve heard worse lines.

I used to tell women I was related to “Gilligan’s Island” star Bob Denver, that is, before they quietly informed me that he wasn’t considered terribly ... oh, what’s the word, “alluring.”

You’re probably afraid to go out there alone. John, I will so go with you. If you take a buddy along, you’ll have more confidence when approaching strange women. Believe me, heads will snap when you and I walk into Skybar together. Between the both of us, we’re bound to attract lots o’ quality females. Just follow my lead. I know I make it look easy, but you’ll catch on quickly.

Look forward to hearing from you. I’m having an anti-snoring procedure early Tuesday morning, but the rest of my week is free.

Fondest, Howard

P.S. My best to R. Love the new flick. She should call me. Really.

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.