To Whom It May Concern: Blah Blah

Is there anyone who hasn’t received a holiday “letter”?

Open a Christmas card and out drops a printed letter, addressed to no one in particular, describing what the family did during the previous 12 months.

Actually, nobody likes these things. Miss Manners has spoken out against them. One person summed it up perfectly: “I hate ‘em; they’re always talking about their trip to Europe.” That’s not the worst. People who send these letters not only go to Europe but have children with IQs of 185, or a place on an Olympic team, or have written a film, or all three. The fathers get awards, the mothers are chosen “woman of the year” and their cats (named Sir Arbuthbot) get ribbons for bravery.

I don’t know which I hate most, the letters from the overachievers or the ones from the bores. One year I got a two-page letter explaining in detail that the family didn’t go anywhere that year. Lately, some arrive simply stapled and stamped, no Christmas card. Call me a grouch, but I think that’s tacky.

Ten years ago, I received only a few specimens of this junk mail. Now, thanks to computers, I have dozens of them. It’s not that I don’t like to hear from old friends; I just think I’m entitled to a personal, just-for-me letter, not something resembling a store flier. And if we don’t know each other well enough for that, why do they think I care about their trip to Europe?

“But,” people say when asked why they send them, “I don’t have time to write a personal letter to everyone.” How much can you care about them if you won’t spend 10 minutes on a personal letter?

Enough ranting. It’s time to show how you can stop this avalanche of unwelcome trivia. Write a form letter of your own, a parody of the worst of them, crediting your family with fantastic feats. Or do the opposite: Tell how Cousin Jeb just got out of prison and sister Susie ran off with a used-car salesman. Unfortunately, some of the recipients may not “get it” and may believe what you’ve written.

In this missive, be sure to mention friends and relatives the recipient never heard of. Nothing is more annoying than reading an entire page about total strangers. That ought to stop the practice right there. Don’t forget to go into great detail about family deaths or serious illness. Make it up if you have to. Isn’t that cheery at Christmastime?

Make your letter really long, three or four pages. After all, they have nothing else to do to get ready for the holidays, right?

Or send back a printed post card that says, “Sorry, I didn’t have time to read your letter.”

Finally, you could not send any cards at all. Think of the time and money you’ll save. Plus people generally stop sending cards when they realize you don’t reciprocate. That’s a drastic step and sure to displease the card manufacturers, another group you can annoy.

Do I actually do all these things myself? Not yet, but don’t push me.